My fiance and I have been together for a long time now and are getting married soon. My future mother-in-law before the engagement was great. She was kind of pushy sometimes and dramatic but not unbearable. Since the wedding planning started, it has been hell. My parents are not in the best financial state right now so my fiance’s family is paying for most of the wedding, but me and my family will pitch in when we can. Well, she is already in the wedding business. She works at a bridal boutique. My fiance and I agreed that we want something simple and basic. I want silk flowers but she says she wants us to have real flowers, I say I want a couples shower but she wants us to have separate showers…the list goes on and on. Me and my fiance agree on just about everything, but she is our problem.
When it came time to pick a reception venue, she suggested a few places and one in particular she said would be awesome to get. We all talked about it and agreed on it. My mom and I booked the place she suggested. Next thing I know she is telling my fiance that she is looking into other reception venues without my knowing. She called places for prices and dates without even telling me about it. She even set up an appointment with a reception hall without my knowing and when I called the reception hall a few hours later to ask about prices the lady there told me that someone just called her about the date and made an appointment. That’s how I found out about it. I called my fiance and he was so upset with her for doing that behind our backs. When he confronted her that night, then she texted me oh yea I’m going tomorrow morning to see such and such place and asked me if I wanted to go. I did go with her and that was interesting to say the least. I picked a wedding package with just the basic wedding foods. Well, that wasn’t good enough for her. She adds like 7 other items to the menu.
Then the dress I want her bridal store does not carry. She sat me down one night and told me I could not get that dress. All I could do was burst into tears. According to her, we have to get my dress, the bridesmaids dresses, and the tuxes there so she can oversee everything and get a 10% discount. She wants me to go dress shopping with her alone to find another dress. I am paying for my own dress and I refuse to go looking for another dress.
Overall, I am frustrated to the max, tired of her in general, and about to lose my mind. Am I wrong for being upset? Am I being horrible? I feel like I can’t talk to her about all this because I want her to like me. I am beginning to hate her guts. I am a quiet and shy person that cannot stand up for myself. My fiance tries but I don’t want to make things bad between him and his mom. I just don’t know what to do. His parents eloped and he thinks she is living her wedding dreams through us. We talked about eloping but this is our first marriage and we don’t want to regret eloping later. Help please?!
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8 Responses to “Wedding Advice”
ELOPE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What makes you think that if the old bat hold all of the purse strings for your wedding that there won’t be any “strings” attached????
I guarantee you that she will be patting her own back and crowing about your “dream wedding ” (really HER DREAM WEDDING)that she concieved,implicated and paid for, for years and years to come.Eloping is the only way to have what you want for your wedding and also to avoid future built-in guilt trips for years to come from the MIL.
Sandals offers free elopement weddings with a paid 5 or 6 night stay (check their website for details) and no I am by no means a salesman or affiliate of theirs so I am not making any money off of suggesting this to you.I am merely giving you an idea that offers a great vacation and a free mini elopement package all in one that you can also add a la carte items to and upgrades if you wish.
IT’S YOUR WEDDING…….
DO IT YOUR WAY.
Yes, you are rigth, your fMIL is using your wedding to have the one she wanted when she eloped. When a person finances your wedding, they have the power to give their input and make decisions. That said, here is the hard part. Your fMIL is financing the wedding so she controls all the decisions,.
So you have some decisions to make:
1. you and your fiance elope so you keep your sanity: why do you want a wedding you are going to hate for the rest of your life?
2. You and your fiance start saving money so you can pay for your own wedding so your MIL cannot use the excuse of financing your wedding so as to control every tiny detail
3. Let her finance your wedding and accept that it is her wedding, not yours.
I have the feeling that even if your MIL did not put money towards your wedding, she would still make it hell.
What you need to do from now on is decide if you want to go forward with this wedding or postpone.
The real problem is that your MIL knows no boundaries at all, so you and your fiance need to sit down, make a list of rules and punishment if your fMIL breaks them.
Next step is for your fiance to sit down and talk to her mother about this rules, so when she breaks them, she knows what she did wrong and what the consequences of her actions are.
Finally, I would also ask you to adjust your expectations about your fMIL, she may never like you, but it is not personal, it is just the way she is. Just because you do everything she wants, it will not make her like you, you just become her doormat.
Good luck. The sooner you stop the monster-in-law, the better.
Stalker gave some awesome advice…..cancel everything MIL has done and elope. Your MIL wants you to do things her way….when you do, she then undercuts you. Or see if you can get a refund back on the hall….ask you mom if you can just have a simple reception at your home for a few close family and friends and cut back on your guest list. Have a small wedding party….you and the best man/maid of honor and go for SIMPLE.
That’s what you get when you let a troll MIL pay for anything. Needless to say, my MIL was told to show up at our wedding and given no other responsibilities — which left her with NO say in our wedding planning.
You are going to have to grow yourself a thick skin to deal with this woman or you will be her doormat for years to come.
Regarding the wedding dress, there was no need for tears. All you needed to do was look her in the eye and say, “I am paying for it so I am picking out what I want.” Period. End of conversation.
Cancel everything she has planned and do as the other ladies suggested. Plan a destination wedding, where you can wear the dress of YOUR choice and get beautiful photos. If the hag wants to attend, fine, by she is not getting to make any of the decisions.
Good luck. These ladies only get worse after you get married. And, oh boy, you’ll think this was paradise. When a child comes along just see what happens then! You must have your thick skin in place by then!
Don’t let her pay for your wedding or you’ll regret it forever and you will hear about it until the day she dies… and these women have a way of living forever. My number one rule, learned by cruel experience, is to never accept a damn thing from my in-laws. I won’t even eat my MIL’s food now because in 20 years or so when we have a disagreement I know I’ll hear something about ‘how much I’ve done for you’. My SIL recently turned to that, just because she pulled some strings at my wedding and got us a cheap caterer! Don’t accept favors, they’ll just bite you in the butt later.
He’s willing to stand up to her,so let him! He should tell her if she doesn’t back off now and let the bride do the planning, then you’ll be gone so fast, she won’t know what hit her.
I would definately have to agree with msbrock. Do not accept any favors from the in-laws. I already have that problem. MIL is expecting favors back from me, and placing a guilt-trip about “all the things I did for you”.
I would let MIL take control and plan everything and pay for everything. You just go and plan your own wedding without her money or her help. Just let her plan her own wedding. When the wedding day comes, you’ll be at your wedding
and no one will show up to the one she planned and spent all this money on!
I know it’s cruel, but if she is really hell-bent on planning “a wedding”, let her. You plan yours. She’ll just be throwing away all that money when you don’t show up, cause you are at your wedding, and everyone else is too
It is a tough lesson, but one you will have to learn. Say NO to anything she wants to give you. Everything comes with strings attached if it comes from a troll MIL.
My MIL is super sneaky. She would ask questions such as “Do you like apples?” Innocent me, I’d say “yes” and before I knew it she would say, “Well I have four pounds of apples I can’t used and I am bringing them over to your house tomorrow!” Then I would have to endure an unplanned, unexpected visit from the old bat.
You’d better believe I don’t fall for that anymore! “Do you like apples?” ME: “Oh, we have so many apples they are falling out of our fridge!” Shuts her right up and keeps her OUT of my house and away from my kids!