This is a very difficult situation to explain, but I will try. Before my husband and I got married, we had dated for almost 3 years, and throughout that time period, he and I helped eachother stop some self-destructive habits for the better. Throughout that time, I had an amazing relationship with his family. They always wanted to see me, and even let me spend the night at their home for some weekends, even weeks(we were under 18 or 18 at the time). He and I got engaged earlier this year, which his parents were ecstatic about, especially his mother. But we all knew that the wedding would be put off until we were out of college and financially stable. However, in July my (then fiance) and I found out I was pregnant, although we used birth control religiously. And after suffering from sexual, physical, and verbal harassment at my current household for years, my to be mother-in-law asked me to move in with them for as long as we needed, and that we should start planning the wedding. In the process of moving, I lost all insurance, my car, my phone, and even had to drop out of community college. I came into their home with no income and the clothes on my back, maybe a few outfits since I had to leave in a hurry. They welcomed me with open arms in one of the hardest times of my life.
During the planning of the wedding, which took place over a course of a month, things started to change. I noticed that my MIL had a completely different personality than she had previously portrayed. She seemed more controlling and pushy…but only with me, not any of her 3 children(including my husband). I was only able to take part in picking the dress. I was not given an opinion or choice on anything else. This didn’t bother me too much, because I understood the wedding needed to be small. But any time I requested a very small wedding(with just family) it was shot down because she *had* to invite this person, that person, so and so’s brother, etc. I eventually decided to back down since my husband and I could always renew our vows at a later date. You know, might as well let the MIL have her fun and get it out now? I guess it was a bad idea.
After the wedding, I got myself on a state insurance plan that doesn’t have any copays and is specific to pregnant women’s needs and care during pregnancy. This was no cost to any one. After that, she began telling me “You need to make a doctor’s appointment with MY doctor. Here’s the office number.” And made me call right in front of her. She also always told me to “eat more fruits and vegetables”. Now, I personally would love to be able to eat those if she actually BOUGHT them. She keeps little to no food in the house, and when there is food, it’s always for her, dinner, or for her youngest child who is 9. She doesn’t even make sure her two other kids(including my husband) have food. She always says “You really need to eat better things or you’ll gain too much weight.” The problem is, I am unable to work, because at this point in my pregnancy, no one will hire me, especially since I’ll just have to quit when the baby is here. My husband has spent the last year looking for a job, driving to interviews, filling out countless applications, and no luck. He and I literally do no have the money to buy food, which his parents know. They also told us not to worry about rent, food, and our shared car because they would take care of it since we were family.
Just yesterday, it reached a point where I am unable to take it anymore. After she literally hounded me to go to *her* obgyn for my prenatal care, I finally went and had the worst experience I’ve ever had with a doctor in my life. The scary part is, my doctor has the exact SAME personality as my MIL. I ended up leaving the appointment crying, and I called my mother(an amazing woman who is disbaled and unable to care for me anymore), who was picking me up that day to relieve me of the stress in the home. My mom made the mistake of going into the house to wait for me. My MIL treated my mother terribly. Even though I had told my MIL about my mother picking me up, she asked her “Why are you here? No body told me this.” And wouldn’t let my mom in out of the rain for about 10 minutes. When I left with my mom, I heard more of the story. When my MIL heard about my complaints, she asked my mom “Do you think it’s because your daughter is just too sensitive?”, which offended my mother and made me angry. It’s always been about my inadeqaucies with my MIL. Always some fault of mine that things are going wrong. The thing is, even my husband witnessed how the doctor treated me, and we both agreed that it wasn’t right. Now I hear that my MIL is emailing out my doctor’s numbers to people without my consent so they can make me see another one of her primary care physicians.
Another thing I should mention….I honestly don’t want her influence on my child at all after he or she is born. I don’t like how my MIL treats me, her family, or my family. She is too controlling, very easily agitated, and I have heard her verbally abuse her children and sometimes even hit them. I don’t know what to do. We don’t have any money, my husband is uninsured and not having luck with finding a job, and I am struggling to get by with what resources I have to use. Is there any way I an establish boundaries with my mother-in-law? Because it’s only been getting worse, and I’m not sure the relationship will be salvageable if she continues.
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17 Responses to “Someone please advise…”
Oye, what a mess. You are in a situation in which you have literally no power. But seriously, it’s hard not to see this from your MIL’s perspective also (which I hate to say). She shouldn’t be treating you poorly, but basically you came to her with nothing, made her into your sole provider, and now you don’t want her involved in your business. I’m sorry, but you live in her house and depend on her for everything. She probably acts controlling because she sees you as having no control and no judgement and needing someone to take over. No, she shouldn’t be picking your doctor, but the only thing you can do is stand up for yourself there. Tell her you have someone picked out and end the conversation. But if she threatens to kick you out if you don’t follow her rules, then no one here can help you. She holds all the power.
I’m sorry, but if you can’t take care of yourselves without her help, the result is going to be giving up some control over your life. And what are you going to do with a baby? She will control that situation too. She’s under the impression that you can’t even take care of yourselves, much less a child. It’s up to you to prove her wrong and the only way to do that is to try and find a job (even if they don’t hire you, you need to try – my mother worked when she was pregnant and went right back after she had me) and have your husband look for a job every minute of everyday. Sacrifices will need to be made if you want to get out from under her thumb. You will have to go without. Life will be hard. But you will have your independence and your self-respect.
wow, this sounds like a terrible situation and I sympathize with you. I”m sure you’ve already heard the whole “you shoulnd’t be having children if you’re not capable of supporting youself” already and it’s too late for that anyways. You’ve got youself in quite a trap – dependent on this MIL and having her grandchild. The only suggestion I can really think of is for hubby to grow up and find some kind of job, any kind of job… AND GET OUT OF HER HOUSE. You don’t want her to influence your child and set boundaries? STOP LIVING OFF OF HER AND GET OUT OF HER HOUSE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
She should not treat you this way but she does and nothing is going to change that. By living off of her, not only are you creating your own hell, you are being ungrateful by complaining about it.
Sorry if this sounded harsh – I feel terrible for the situation you are in and having a new baby under any circumstances is a challenge. Good luck!
I have to agree with NS. If there is a will, there is a way. She is mentally abusing you just like she does to her children.
Dear Slash:
Congratulations on the baby! That is truly wonderful news! From reading your story I can tell that you and your husband are young and full of life. Plus, you have all the good intentions that every young couple has when they first start out. You made a really good choice about your insurance and getting prenatal care early. Your feelings matter when it comes to you and your OB/GYN. If you are not comfortable with the MD then leave. Right now, you have a lot on your plate and adding the stress of a mean spirited MD to the mix is just not good for you and your baby. Stick with the one you feel establishes a good connection with you. It will give you good memories of the pregnancy and hopefully a good birth experience as well. You need to trust your OB/GYN.
I feel badly that your MIL is so controlling and lacks that maternal instinct of nurturing and loving her children as evidenced by her lack of supplying adequate nutrition in the house and hitting her children as you stated. However, I have a few suggestions that you might want to look into to help your situation…
1.) Your husband can get two or three jobs at fast food places, pizza delivery. I believe that Wal-Mart & McDonald’s have programs to promote it’s employees into management and help with college tuition from what I understand. It might mean long hours away from you but it would give him the experience and skills he needs as a young man to enter the work force and gain necessary skills that employers are looking for today. And, the two of you can save to move out.
2.) Contact church groups may have resources posted on their websites. Care Net helps young women, I don’t know much about them but they are good and will help direct you because their mission is all about supporting young, pregnant women. Also, churches often have one night a week where they have dinners for people in the area to come and eat for free, you may have to listen to someone speak about the Gospel, but the meals are nutritionally sound and there’s lots of food. You can also contact the Salvation Army for resource referrals.
3.) Back to your nutritional requirements at this time: You can apply for WIC assistance. It’s for Women, Infants, and Children of certain income levels. You get assistance for food and formula for you, baby, and family. Plus, you can apply for other assistance when you and your husband move out for the short term. Meaning you can get subsidized housing and food stamps until you are able to both earn a good living. This is the original intention of these programs and I know of several couples that used it when their economic situations went under. When they were able to support themselves, they moved off of public assistance and were able to support themselves. I know it’s not easy to get into these programs it just might be a good idea to look into it. You need to eat for you and your baby first and foremost because your nutrition is the baby’s nutrition.
4.) Go to all the local food banks and stock up on food for you and your husband if you don’t want food stamps or need to supplement with your food stamps. My husband and I regularly donate to our local food bank especially baby and canned foods.
5.) Get online to look for resources to help you by typing in your needs on a search engine. Do this on a computer that you know is private and secure. If you don’t have access to one, go to your local library and use theirs. They might also be able to help you locate community resources as well.
6.) You can rent a basement apartment with utilities included or back house. When I was kicked out of an abusive alcoholic home, I had nothing. Luckily, I stayed at my grandparents for about four months. I took up Certified Nurse Assistant training which is usually free and is paid while you learn and lived in a basement apt.
I hope this helps and I wish you and your new husband the best!
Slash,
Sorry, I ran out of room to write. So I would like to continue if I may:
I wanted to let you know that you have to power to change the situation that you are in right now. It’s not about the boundaries with your MIL at this point, she has the house and has some power over you and your husband right now. And, it seems that she is intentionally making it difficult for you. You can’t change her but, you and your husband can change your situation. The resources that I listed in the last post are suggestions or you can go looking for solutions on your own. It’s not a hopeless situation. You can make a really awful situation good for the two of you. Just be open to the things that are available right now and you can change it. He can get a job, an entry level job, and really make something of himself without experience. He should be open to starting wages and possibly working a couple of jobs, or take a training position as a nursing assistant if he qualifies. Its not easy work and you have to care for dependent people and do everything for them, but your husband even yourself can propel that training into becoming a health care professional. Plus, you can often work double shifts, get holiday pay, and benefits. As well as split the work load so that you don’t have to pay for child care. A lot of nursing home companies offer paid tuition to continue on to nursing school. So those are the types of opportunities that I am advocating for you to look into right now. And, it doesn’t have to be a permanent job situation — Find paid training opportunities that you can make it work into another field. Like electrician training or real estate or something like that —
You can do it by changing the situation and not worry about changing her or setting boundaries. That would become a no-win situation for you and possibly your husband because she will think it’s her house and her rules. When you are in your own home, that is when you can set the boundaries and the rules for the way your family lives and interacts with her. And, if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to come over. It’s that simple. And, the way you raise your child will be decisions made with your husband, not her.
Take care and stay strong. Be good to your baby by being good to you first!
You’ve certainly gotten yourself into a pickle. The MIL is supporting you and your husband so you are really stuck. You never want to marry a guy who cannot support you. Obviously, you wouldn’t want to be sleeping with a guy unable to care for you, should you get pregnant, either. And that is what has happened. Now you are taking your lumps.
So, here’s the tough love…
Your MIL is probably pushy and critical because you are so young. If she is footing the bill, I can see where she might want you to go to her doctor, especially if you are not going to any doctor. If you had been, you would have kept going to that doctor and just told her thanks but no thanks.
Regarding you “losing” everything when you moved in with the MIL and her family, had your mother/paremts been supporting you beforehand. It was very confusing to understand how you “lost” everything by moving out of your own family’s house. If you gave up their support to move out and do your own thing, you got exactly what you deserved.
I also thought it was strange that you said you came from an abusive home and then wondered why your MIL disrespected your mother. Have you told MIL bad things about your family? If so, she is reacting via what she has heard you say. Be careful when you trash talk your family or say negative things to a troll MIL. Not smart.
You say you got yourself some free state insurance. I am assuming you applied for and are now receiving Medicaid. This is not free, people who work are paying for your expenses. As long as you’ve gone that route, you might as well check into low income home programs and see if you can move out of the hell hole you currently find yourself in.
You think what is going on now is bad. Just you wait until that baby arrives. You’ll think what you’ve got now is paradise. MIL will be full of advice and ready to take over once your baby is here.
You and your husband need to check out all the government programs you can and get the help you need to stand on your own two feet. And don’t be so picky about jobs. Take whatever you can — if that means getting out of the MIL house.
And finally, shame on the MIL for letting you sleep over at her house to begin with. Birth control or not, that’s what got you into this mess in the first place.
Hopefully you learn from this bad experience and do some growing up. You created this situation for yourself. Now it is up to you to get out of it. Good luck, you are going to need it.
Okay, since my post was taken completely out of context by the two of you, let me clarify:
-My parents are divorced, and I was living with my father and stepfamily at the time. My mom is dying, which is why I had lived with my father. My mother was never abusive, and my MIL knew this.
-My MIL does not pay for a DAMN thing. My insurance covers absolutely EVERYTHING. She hasn’t had top change her spending habits at all.
-My life was in danger while living at my father’s house, when I say I lost everything, it was the things I had worked so hard to keep but could no longer keep them since it would cause problems legally.
-Also, my husband is attending college. He had a job before, but got laid off due to the company losing money. He has been actively looking for a job, but there are no takers.
-If the pregnancy had been planned, we would have been more prepared, but pardon me for being pissed that I asked for advice about a MIL problem and hear about how irresponsible I am. Like I don’t know I’m young and in a hard situation. I just wanted to know of ways to set boundaries with my MIL.
I know, this is a great article.A successful blog needs unique, useful content that interests the readers
Slash,
When you don’t give the absolute full story the first time you post, the replies you get may not be to your liking. We ladies ARE NOT AFRAID TO APPLY THE TOUGH LOVE BAT WHEN WE FEEL IT IS NEEDED, but you are free to ignore all of our posts too!
Then in your follow up post you state “I just wanted to know of ways to set boundaries with my MIL”. You do not knuckle under to her demands….yes, I realize you are living under her roof, eating her food, and sleeping in her sheets…..so what! If you do your share in household chores and pull you weight as much as you can, you do not need to answer to her as a child. Get on the phone and get your own OB/GYN lined up and while you are at it line up a family doctor too. Then just repeat and repeat that you have a doctor. And see if you can get on WIC/foodstamps…..it sounds like you will be able to quailify. Then lock your food up for your consumption….since MIL likes to not buy enough “good food” for everybody.
You are a member of that household now and you are entitled to have visitors too. Your Mom should have been invited in by MIL ….she was rude and controlling. Comments about your feelings should be treated like little birds looking for a roosting place and unable to find one because of all the cats waiting. Start growing that thick skin to handle these too.
Since you feel you shouldn’t be looking for a job due to your impending birth….take in ironing, you can do this in your home on your own time. Or type up papers for your former college buddies for a fee. Sell AVON if you really have to earn some bucks. Do housecleaning for other people. Talk to older ladies that ran a household in the Fifties and Sixties…..they can give you some more suggestions on what kind of house jobs they took in to make extra money.
Louise said it – we’re all here for support and advice – but sometimes that means hearing things that you’d rather not.. that doesn’t mean we’re not trying to be supportive of you. If you’ll take a closer look at some of the postings on this site you’ll see that a lot of advice is to GROW UP – learning to be the mature one is the best advice anyone can get for dealing with a difficult MIL. Is it easy to do? Generally not. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it isn’t good advice..
If you act like a child, they will treat you like a child – this is the line I used on my own BF to get him to stop bringing his laundry home to mommy and it worked..
every comment here has suggested you and your husband find some way to support yourselves so you can get out from under MIL’s thumb. I really hope you are able to do that. I’m sorry for all the difficulties you have in your family and with your in laws – I am even sorrier for your child once he or she is born – they will have a difficult time if their mother is so unhappy. I hope you are able to improve your situation soon.
Maybe I don’t understand the full story but it still seems to me that you are living off your MIL – even if your insurance covers your medical bills, does it pay for rent/food/utilities? A lot of DIL’s keep repeating the mantra “my house, my child, my rules” – unfortunately, you are in MIL’s house so you can’t apply that – it’s HER house. Her treatment of you and your mother sounds terrible and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Nevertheless, it still seems a little ungrateful to try and establish a whole bunch of boundaries and rules in someone else’s home. The longer you stay, the unhealthier things will become. The sooner you leave, the sooner you will be able to find your self-respect. I hope your husband is supportive of you and recognizes the situation for what it is. good luck and best wishes for you and your family.
Thanks for the additional details. The other gals are right, we are offering our help as dauthter-in-laws who regularly and successfully deal with trolls.
Establishing boundaries in somebody else’s house is next to impossible. You need your own house for your rules and boundaris to apply. If you are not already doing some housework for this witch, you should be. That way you are not as beholden to her or look as immature to her.
If your mother is dying, why aren’t you spending more time with her? That would at least get you out of the house. If you have to stay with MIL only go there to sleep and try to stay out of her house as much as possible.
If you want your stuff from your father’s home, all you have to do is call the police department and have an officer accompany you or meet you at the house when you get your things. You say you can’t get your stuff for legal reasons. That makes no sense unless you are speaking about a car that is not in your name. If that is the case, then it is not yours, even if you made the payments.
Your pregnancy keeps getting mention because your life will truly be hell once the baby arrives. You are living in paradise right now. Wait until MIL swoops in and tries to take over mothering your child. That’s when your real misery will begin. GET OUT NOW or you are heading down a nasty road indeed.
I was 19 when I had my first child. I don’t exactly appreciate people telling you that you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant or married him because lets face it, it happens and thats life. I have a controling mil too. I would try to ignore it the best you can and look into section 8 housing or something like that. I feel for ya. My fiance and I live with my parents but they don’t butt into our personal life and they shouldn’t. I set rules with my parents as well as his. It doesn’t matter if you live in her house when it comes to the way you want your child raised. I decide what I want for my child, no one else. Simple as that! You are doing the best you can. Tell your mil how you feel and let it be known that you appreciate the help but it would be a lot easier if she took a step back. You and your husband will figure it out. I wish you the best.
I see that your totally stuck for probably even at least 4 to 6mo after the babys born. Your DH is really going to have to bust ass working to get you both out of there. In the mean time it is really important to eat right during your pregnancy. (my baby is 6mo and I went from 120lbs to 180 lbs TOO MUCH weight, MIL is right, and its been so so hard to lose) Anyhow I suggest you go down to the WIC and get some free food, they are geared toward pregnancy and breastfeeding nutrition. They will even give you formula and baby food for up to a year after the baby is born. Its a really great program, I had to quit my bartending job at 7mo preg and I guess im still to fat for them to let me back so WIC has really been a life saver. Its not welfare or food stamps its just a little help. No shame in that. Even after you get a job if you make under a certain amount they can still help you.Try to get a little fridge in your room so others dont eat up you and your babys food. You can just google WIC Program to get the number for your state.
Slash,
I am sorry for your situation,but the other ladies are right. in order to establish rules with your mil,you will have to be on your own territory not hers!when she planned your wedding it was because she was paying for it and im sorry but,if you ask someone to throw you a wedding they do have the right to choose what they want because it is their money.If you didn’t want the situation to be like that you should have waited and payed for it yourself,even being pregnant waiting is not unheard of.Im going to say this as someone who has been there too,having a baby young is hard and you should really start preparing yourself now because if you don’t do something to take care of your situation with housing,money and mil now its going to be hell for you!!
I sincerely hope everything works out for you and your baby,good luck!
Have you applied for other gov’t assistance? Wic? Food Stamps? Not sure which state you are in, but you can easily apply for section 8, and find a decent apartment in a decent neighborhood they’ll pay for the housing. So you need to look into that, so you can get outta there.
I have to say I agree with the other ladies here. It may be hard but you need to get out of her house. Even if it means getting on government assistance or staying in a shelter. And frankly I’d do it with or without your husband. There is support out there for single mothers and if anyone is in a situation where they need that help it’s you.
I really feel for you. Your MIL should be ashamed suddenly acting like she is surprised when really she established rules with you when you were younger. I’m assuming she fed you those weeks you stayed there?
You are, (since you are looking for help), bright..you want a good future. Look into the recommended programs. You guys can do this. There are also, in some areas, subsidies for families needing daycare. Or maybe the local community college has a lab school? Where people take classes to earn child care credits, and YOU can get free or reduced daycare, especially if you are a student. Look into the financial aid offices. When you go in to meet with your caseworker, let her know how much you want an education, and you want any help you get to be temporary. Let her see you as smart and vivacious, even if you are pregnant. Most “welfare” is “welfare to work” now. They want to help you get on your feet. SO ASK!!
You *can* be a great mom.
Sometimes these MIL’s are like pet owners. They love us, we are so cute and fuzzy when we are a thought or an idea. Then we are suddenly real life DIL’s and the good times are over.
In your case, you aren’t that cute little waif her son was interested in, that stayed over, that she could rescue on her schedule. Now you are in trouble, and you took her boy down with you. It may have come across as harsh, but these ladies are right. She probably sees you and her son as something to fix, someone irresponsible and “sensitive” that she is now responsible for.
You can prove her wrong. She may never admit it, you may never have that relationship you once had, but you can do it. The ball is in your court baby girl.