I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little more then a year. His parents have said negative things about me behind my back from even before they ever met me (we’re from the same home town so they knew of me through mutual family friends). My boyfriend kept making me visit them and talk to them in order to try and improve the situation. I have done my best to be gracious and good mannered during all of these times but nothing is ever going to change. I”m terrified that my boyfriend is a mama’s boy even though he claims he isn’t. But his mom is super controlling and manipulative and he always gives in thinking it is the best way to be a respectful son and to “reward her good behavior”. I am all about respecting family and elders and would never want to come between anyone and their own family. My parents died when I was very young, the rest of my family is in India, and my boyfriend and his family seems to think this means they don’t matter. I’ve worked so hard to finish my education and be independent, and to keep my connections with the rest of my family – but I don’t want to bother them with this anymore. I feel so alone right now. I love my boyfriend but when I think about marrying into this family and having to put up with this kind of mistreatment, I just want to cry and run away. I could go on and on with stories of the nasty things this woman has said behind my back, the way she has denied it when confronted (politely), and my boyfriend’s insistence that I keep trying. I hate drama and I am trying to take the high road and be understanding, I really am. My parents taught me some manners and some respect before they died. I dont’ want to keep taking this out on my boyfriend so I’ve decided not to talk to him about it anymore. I realize that it is hard to be objective about your own family and I don’t want to keep on saying bad things to him. But we’re not even married yet and I feel like there is so I am expected to put up with already and so much tension between us because of this. He talks the talk about standing up for me – he says all the right things about being there for me, not letting us be controlled by his mother, and that he will do anything for my family. But I don’t know if that is really happening or will ever happen.
No matter what I say, I feel like I”m going to be the bad one. I can see them saying “well you don’t have parents so you don’t understand the obligations people have to their parents.” My teenage years were spent taking care of my mother after school as she was dying horribly of cancer. It was one of the most hideous things I ever had to go through so don’t tell me I don’t believe in taking care of one’s parents. One of the first things my boyfriend’s parents said when they found out he was dating me was “oh, her parents died young, she’ll probably die young too”. Maybe I’m guilty of being a mama’s girl because I really want MY mom right now. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my parents but I’ve never missed her so much before. No one has ever been so cruel to me. I just don’t know what to do anymore but I”m terrified that if I say anything, I will ruin my relationship but if I don’t say anything I will ruin my life by ending up with a mama’s boy in this horrible family. What should I do?
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Advice
12 Responses to “I feel alone and confused”
I understand exactly what you are going through. I have recently been in a fight with my mother-in-law, and when I tried to reconcile with her she just continued to attack me. I still feel mad at my fiance because of all of this because I feel as though he should stand by me, instead of trying to be so objective. The fact of this matter is that your boyfriend is a mama’s boy. A lot of men are… including my own. If you are willing to stick by him as he grows up (who knows how long it will take… my mom’s husband is 55 and still attached to his Mom) then that is a risk you are taking. If I were you, I would tell him that enough is enough. You do not need to prove yourself to anyone– even if they are his parents. You have done enough, and now it’s time for mama’s boy to grow up and tell Mom that the way she acts is inappropriate. HE is the one letting this go on, and it is his responsibility to stick up for you. If he can’t, are you really willing to wait for him to?
Remember, you should be the #1 girl in his life. If he loves you, he will stick up to her and never make you go over to her house just to “prove” you are a good girl. You ARE a good girl, and he knows that. Don’t let this ruin your life. You have one life to live, and it shouldn’t be wasted on the negativity from your boyfriend and his family. I think your boyfriend is the catalyst to his family’s negativity. Let him take the responsibility for this… you don’t deserve it. You really don’t.
Oh Hun, my heart goes out to you!!!! Not having parents at such a time in your life is very sad. I know you must miss them, and I’m so sorry you had to endure something so tragic. Especially so young. Hang in there….
So I am going to give this to you straight. Your boyfriend should be so supportive of you , that you shouldn’t feel this way no matter what his parents think of you. I remember saying you are Indian, and I know the Indian culture is very strict. I think you need to evaluate your relationship. You are not married to this man… THANK GOD. because when you marry him that family comes with the whole package. Things do not always work out for best. If his family is treating you this way, then you need to sit him down and tell him you dont appreciate this, and if he can’t defend you then you don’t need to deal with this.
Listen , you will always have some kind of issue with the ” in laws” you will not always get along with them. However these people sound like aweful people. How can say that you will die young because your parents died? What kind of cold – hearted $hit is that? That is so uncalled for, and you my dear need to stand up for yourself. Dont feel sorry for yourself, you have done nothing wrong. You have worked hard to have what you have and worked hard for your education. It’s time for you to start enjoying your life.
These people will not change their feelings about you, unless your boyfriend really stands up for this relationship. You should not feel alone, because he is supposed to be your best friend, and your partner. Have
you ever seen him stand up for you? He could be saying all these things to you , but may not really be ruffling any feathers, being he is mama’s boy!!!!! You need to hear him stand up for you, because you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. For them to be talking to you behind your back shows the lack of respect they have for you. Period…..
You can’t do anything about his family, know going into this , things will probably change slightly or they may worsen.Do not get married with the intention that things will get better. You assume the worst before you assume the best.
Read some blogs about MIL’s on this site and you will definitly thick twice about having this lady as your FMIL.
Vent to your friends, never vent to him about his mother. They use that againest us. Look for your friends or supportive groups in helping you deal with you parents not being around now.
Good Luck!
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You say your boyfriend “talks the talk” but, I’m afraid he doesn’t “walk the walk” which goes hand in hand with the talk. He is a momma’s boy and wants you to put yourself under their thumbs….think really hard about that choice.
You have understood the obligations to family and withstood the very worst duty you could have performed……you cared for you mother while she was dying of a horrible disease. You did this before you were fully adult. This task is hard enough when you are in your middle age years and a parent passes after a good, long life….performing it when you haven’t even voted for the first time is doubly hard. His parents are completely out of line and are being hateful to boot. THEY do not have a clue about what they are so glibly commenting on!
You have tried to be nice to them. You have tried to smooth the way, so to speak, and they continue on the path of snide, backstabbing comments. If you are in your twenties, take a step back from this boy and really consider WHAT you want in a husband and in-laws. Don’t be in a rush to marry for companionship, look for a real man that knows the actual duties of a husband…..not a boy that “rewards his mother for good behavior”.
You need to figure out to what extent, realistically, this guys parents are going to interfere with your life. Don’t listen to the talk, watch for the signs. Judge people based on their behavior, not what they say they are going to do. Have the hard talk with your boyfriend. Tell him this relationship doesn’t make you happy and that you deserve better. Tell him his relationship with his parents is inappropriate and that you will no longer tolerate it. Then leave. You haven’t done anything wrong here and you aren’t expecting too much.
Maybe realizing the relationship will end will snap him out of it. But I’m not suggesting leaving just to threaten him. Do your research and have a plan. Chances are he won’t change any time soon. Go live your life. Don’t give it to these people.
Here is the ultimate test to see if your man is a Mama’s Boy,and if he has any serious intentions for you.
1. First, get his undivided attention, without telling him.
2.Because you are from another country and the remainder of your family is still there,tell him that you are thinking of moving back to your country next year to be closer to your remaining family over there.
Watch his body language,facial expression,listen to and take note of all these things and his tone of voice.
3.Next ask him if he is going to move over there with you when you do go.
Again,watch his body language,facial expression,listen to and take note of all these things and his tone of voice.
I dated a guy for 14 years ,engaged for 2 and a toal of 16 years together.
One afternoon at his parent’s house (he lived with them to “help them out” but didn’t pay them any rent at all)his Mom said that if his Dad dies before she does she will pack up everything,sell the house and move back to SC where she still has family.
Upon hearing this,I later told my boyfriend what she said and I asked him what he would do if that happens.(He would have to go get an apartment to stay in town here and be with me.)
And he said…wait for it……..
“I guess…………………. would move out ……………..and rent an apartment………………….and stay here………………with you.”
If your man hesitates in his answers,kick his *ss to the curb,pronto.
Also, if he doesn’t stand up for you IN FRONT OF HIS MOM IT DOESN”T COUNT.Mama’s Boys are scared of their Moms and scared of all women so they tell you that they are “fighting for you” but they really are chickensh*ts and are afraid of their own Moms.
Mamas Boys are UNDERCOVER,because if they were out in the open about allowing their moms to Dominiate/Control/Manipulate them and their wives/girlfriends they would be BACHELORS FOR LIFE.
It would be no secret,it would be obvious.Women would have a much easier time avoiding these types of guys if it were only out in the open.
This is how normal women get suckered in and their lives f*cked up by evil MILS and FILS, SILS, and BILS.The Mama’s Boys always pretend they are normal and their family /their Mom is normal too, until AFTER YOU MARRY THEM.And if you produce kids with them,look out as you have just dug a hole too deep to ever escape them or thier evil family.
Don’t waste your youth trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear like I did.Test this guy and see if he is a Mama’s Boy and if he is,kick his *ss to the curb.
A Mama’s Boy is not available for dating, or marriage because he is already in a comitted realtionship with kissing his Mom’s *ss.There is no room between his lips,and his Mom’s *ss for you,so save yourself, and run!
Good luck to you.
LMAO!!!!!
GOD I LOVE STALKERS RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE IT!!!!!!
You should be thankful you are not married to this “man.” A real man would not make you feel alone or confused. He would put you first and you would know you are first. My MIL and FIL are nutters and rude to me and my husband stands up to them and boots them out of our house as necessary.
Momma’s Boys don’t change. They love being coddled by Momma and the girlfriend or wife is, at the very most, second. Oops…third, because he comes second to Momma.
It is not healthy to bottle up your anger and confusion toward his family. He will go on as happy as a clam, thinking everything is peachy keen and you will end up with an ulcer. Sure, it is not a good idea to complain about his family to him, but when they are out of line HE needs to know so he can put their butts back in line. For the more trivial, irritating stuff they do, it is nice to have a friend or two to vent to about that crap.
You need some time to clear your head. Tell him that you certainly do not want to come between him and his family and that you need some space to see if you really want to be a part of his family. Then try to stay busy and forget about them. Focus on your career or a hobby, or do something new and different. Even try and look for a job in a different location, far away.
Love is blind, Mommas of Momma’s Boys are not. They see Sonny Boy as the lights of their lives and they will stamp out anyone who gets in the way. And Sonny Boy will love his Momma more than any woman and LET that happen.
Try to refocus and find someone who is a man and can stand up to Momma. I would have left a long time ago if I found myself with a Momma’s Boy. A marriage and children is NOT a place for you to be — with Momma in between. Good luck and keep us posted.
I know how hard it is to think of letting him go. My ex Fiance is back at his moms. She tells him mean things about me also. The whole family is against me and his friends too. The real problem is they are jealous of him and the new life he found with me. His mother just wants him to support her welfare a** and be the man of her house because she can’t get a man of her own. She’s a bar fly.
I wish I could just hurry up and get over him. But it’s not easy. I can’t stand his family. They all live in the projects and on welfare(even his grandparents). I’m your average white girl. He is American, but Puerto Rican decent.
I truly understand what you’re going through. My father died years ago, and my mother is a cancer survivor twice and age 78. She lives over 2000 miles from me.
His mother calls me and attacks me over the phone “in his defense” each time he and I have a problem. (But why does he run to her and tell her our business?)
How would she like it if my mother called and talked to her the way she talks to me? But we are DESCENT people. We don’t generally do things like that. Most of my friends and family can’t believe I’m even this in love with him. However they do know that he is a nice guy(just a momas boy). They also know that It’s mostly his family that’s the problem.
All of my friends family think I should just get out of this situation. But it’s not so easy when love is involved. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know logically I should not want him back because it will never be a level playing field with his mother/family involved. I just hope that I hurry up and get over it.
I hope the same for you too.
thanks for the advice and support everyone – another (better edited) version of my rant got posted several weeks ago. My boyfriend and I have had ALOT of conversations since then. We’ve both read the book “toxic in-laws” and agreed that he has an unhealthy relationship with his parents and that they are controlling and unreasonable – we both agree that they display elements of almost every single category of ‘toxic’. I feel like we are on the same page but I”m still waiting to see if he is ultimately able to walk the walk…everything so far has been reassuring but I”m not rushing into anything and he knows that.
I’d like to thank everyone on this webpage – it’s great to have a place to vent and get advice from other ladies in this situation – it’s helped me to see things a little more objectively and to get out alot of my negative feelings BEFORE I sit down to talk to my boyfriend which has also improved our ability to communicate. I think it’s also taught him that not every woman is a manipulative, controlling B*TCH like his mom and sister-in-law and that we can actually be REASONABLE creatures.. it’s not as hard to take the high road when I feel like he’s on my side…
I”m sure I”ll have many new rants to post in the upcoming months – the more I get to know about his parents, the sorrier I feel for him. They really are a bunch of asses! His father even got fed up with his mom’s behavior and said HE wanted to talk to me – but then the other day when my boyfriend was on the phone and asked if he should put me on, his dad chickened out and said no – ha, maybe his wife was standing next to him. The word has gotten out in our community and EVERYONE is pissed at them for saying negative things about me and my sister. It’s also going to come out soon that I am not willing to marry their son because of his parents and then they’ll really look bad. I can’t help that though – I’ve told my boyfriend that I will not cater to their wishes just to make them look good in the community. I do not plan to do anything to make them look bad either – their own behavior can speak for itself. ha!
hmmil01-
Glad I made you laugh.
That’s what I try to do here- make everyone laugh because it is really a
downer to be trapped with a MIL from H*ll.
RUN Like HELL
No matter how much you tell yourself that you love your boyfriend it will never change. I dated my husband for five years begining when I was in high school. I thought that he would change once we got married. IT didn’t and it has gotten worse since I have a child. If he doesn’t think that she is being disrespectful now then he never will. ENd it, life is too short to be miserable. Otherwise you will be like me, taking the high road for the rest of your life, eating shit politely with a spoon and fork, praying to god every night that he just would take care of the situation. ANd I am staying away from his family as much as possible. There is nothing I can do about how she and they acts and what she says behind my back to get the rest of the family mad at me. my worst fear is that she will turn my child against me. I am telling you now you deserve to be happy, dont continue to be miserable.. there are good MILS out there just not his.
The situation will only get worse if you get married. If you’re going to stay together I would move about 4 states away from where they are at because when kids enter the picture- it will get increasingly worse.
I think you’re probably better off to let this one go if he’s not willing to understand that you’ve tried and you’re not the problem in the situation- his mom is. If he is the right man for you, he won’t try to force it anymore and will understand your feelings. He would agree to keep contact between you and his mom to a minimum or not at all.