Mother-in-Law HELL

I apologize for this length but feel I need to give background info. I will admit, that I can’t categorize my MIL as a MIL from hell, especially after hearing some of these stories! However she is very controlling, very judgmental, and a perfectionist. Things have to be her way, always. We have always been civil and never fought. I don’t open up to her however, and I have no desire to have a super close relationship or become friends where I tell her everything because she is judgmental. I can’t explain it unless you know her, but I see it through her reactions and the way she talks about other people.. even strangers and how they do things or run their lives. I have even limited what I tell my husband, who I should tell everything to, because I’m sick of talking to him about problems I have with my mom only to hear questions about it from his family. Our families are very different and I know they look down on my family for how we do things, especially my mother. I apologize for how disorganized everything is, my thoughts are scatterbrained but I don’t talk to anyone about this so I’ve held it all in.

Here is my story:

I have dated my high school sweetheart for the past 4.5 years. We had talked about getting engaged, talked about wedding colors and our wedding party, and were very serious about spending the rest of our lives together. I always joked with him that my ring finger was cold. He insisted on waiting until I was out of college (I was to graduate in 2011) until we got married, but hadn’t proposed. He received his degree from a two year school and got a great job with the federal government. In July we found out I was pregnant. We had talked about having kids in the future, but didn’t plan on it for a while until we were married and stable. His parents are also super traditional and actually told us they expect the order of wedding then children. I was terrified about telling them I was pregnant. He is the baby of 4 children, the oldest being 33, two are married and none have children yet. His parents are both over 60, and ready for a grandchild, just not from him. He insisted he be alone to tell them, because he was afraid of his mom’s reaction and knew she wouldn’t tell him how she really felt if I was there. After telling them, he called and told me they took it better than he expected and they want to talk to us about what our plans are. I was slightly relieved and the next morning, I went over, still terrified and nervous about how it was going to go. NOBODY in their family has children before marriage. His mother asked me how my mom took it, I told her fine (my sister had a baby at 18 and my mother was a young mom). After telling her this she said “well you know we’re not fine with this” while crying rather hard. Her disappointment was apparent in her reaction, as was his father who told us we need to consider all our options and somebody needs to say that abortion is an option. I had been crying..sobbing before this because of their reactions and what they were saying but after that remark I lost it. They also insisted we were married before the baby was born. When I said that wasn’t necessary, we were still planning on spending our lives together, his father asked if they baby would be born without a name. Um no, thanks I have a perfectly fine last name and would have no problem giving my baby my boyfriends last name. They were adamant, saying other family members wouldn’t come to our wedding if we had a baby and wouldn’t talk to us anymore. HELLO WELCOME TO 2009! Check the calendar that doesn’t say 1950. My boyfriend, Mr. Agree with whatever mom says or want, thought we should get married too. The same boyfriend who I’ve been asking to propose and telling him I wanted to get married for the past two years is eager now that his mom thinks its the best idea. (My BIL’s wife, my partner in crime, already warned me about the men in their family having a problem with cutting the damn apron strings. great). I refused to have a wedding while pregnant. His parents wanted us to marry when I would be 7 months. Hmm, fat and crazy from hormones? No thanks. It’s not necessary. After talking about it with my boyfriend, we decided to get married. He was moving overseas for his job in August and I would receive money for living expenses from the government since we were married and he was living away from me to work for them ( I was not allowed to go overseas with him). He also told me if we were married he would receive paternity leave when the baby was born. I obviously wanted him there for the birth of our first child, so I agreed to get married by a JP just for the legal reasons.. something I knew his mother would hate and plan a wedding for next year.

Everyone thought it would be the wise choice for me to move in with my future in laws. I had been living away on campus at college for two years but was planning on transferring so I needed somewhere to live. I considered it, until I that morning when I talked to his parents and saw their reaction to the news. I do not have a car and they live a neighborhood away from my family. It is not a far drive, but an impossible walk. They said they would take me anywhere I need to go, but if I was living under their roof I would still have to follow by their rules. I am not comfortable enough around his family and I do not want to have to feel uncomfortable, especially while I’m pregnant or raising a new baby. And I know his mom would judge everything I did as a mother. Everyone gives new mom’s advice, I know a MIL would be the worst. (She already told us we shouldn’t bottle feed or use pacifiers. I have helped raise three children and lived with all three, pacifiers are a lifesaver to me). I refuse to live with her, because I can predict how things will be down the road. Walking out of their house I told my boyfriend no. It was a strong answer and I no longer had any second thoughts about it. No way. No how.

They want me to move in with them because my mother, I’ll admit, is irresponsible and alot to handle. She just had a baby at the age of 36 and another at the age of 38 (to the same bad man who cheated on her repeatedly). She didn’t go back to work after the birth of her second baby a year ago and relied on me and my sisters to support her and her children. When I told my FIL’s that I was pregnant, they brought up how my mother was not wise in how she chose to do things or something along those lines. I wanted to scream at them that they had no right to talk about my mother or judge her, but I bit my tongue. There are 7 people (3 children under 5) living in a 3 bedroom house and my mom sleeps on the couch. Since I moved back I have been sleeping on an air mattress, I am now five months pregnant. No matter how stressful things get, with a four year old, two year old, and 11month old in the same house, I prefer living here rather than there. I am comfortable here, I don’t feel like I have to bite my tongue and I can be myself. While things might be easier if I live with them, I would rather be comfortable. And as crazy as she is, I have my own mother to live with, who I love. I don’t care what they think about her.

The thing is, my husband and MIL still insist I move in. My husband (mommy’s boy of the year) frequently asks me and his mother still tells me that the option to live with them is there. To which I reply, Thank you, but I’m fine. He tells me they’re worried about me. I guess because I have to live with my mother who they all think is a piece of crap. I do get annoyed with my mother, but feel nobody aside from me or my sisters has a right to complain about her. I am amazed at the nerve they have to criticize the way she does things. I consciously try to tell them as little as possible just so they can’t have something negative to say or think.

If I lived with them I would take his old room, which doesn’t have a door. They had it taken off when they moved in so that the kid’s couldn’t shut it and have privacy I guess. This might sound minor, but in a house where I would have to get used to living to and rules I’d have to get used to, I’d like a door to be able to shut and get away.

I fought with my husband, crying, for over twenty minutes because he would not accept no that I didn’t want to move in with them. My hormones are probably making me super emotional and sensitive, but I was fed up that he can’t see that I DON’T want to live with them. I think it would be perfect if I could get a one bedroom apartment for me and the baby and live alone, somewhere close to my mom but also somewhere I would have for me where I could put up a bed and feel comfortable. I know how hard it is to raise a child, my mother often leaves us to babysit without asking, and as a single mother needs help raising and caring for them. I know helping someone and raising your own are much different, but believe me when I say I don’t just help, I’m more of a second parent to my brother and sister who I feed, bathe, entertain, put to bed, take out, comfort, discipline… etc. My husband, thinks this is a bad idea and we can’t afford it because we need to save money for the baby. I thought that was a reason we got married, to have money for living expenses. He is living without expenses other than internet, food and cable, and making an amazing amount of money for his age. Without me working, the income probably wouldn’t allow the three of us to live comfortably, but his job pays for our housing and utilities. I am naive enough to think that a baby won’t cost that much.. yet. There are enough babies in my family that clothes are not a problem. I have two fashion obsessed sisters, my child could probably wear a different outfit everyday and never repeat them. And whatever we don’t get from our baby shower as far as furniture and things go, I will be able to get from my mom or sister. I plan on breastfeeding, because I know how expensive formula is. It is unnecessary for me to have to live stressed out or uncomfortable just so we can save money for the baby. As the first baby on his side since him, (he has zero first cousins) I know our baby will be spoiled. All his aunts and uncles are excited, as are mine. I’m just not sure how I can get his mom to stop asking me, I feel pressured. While I appreciate the offer, I said no. I don’t understand what they don’t get from that. And I don’t know how I can convince my husband that it would be best for me to live on my own. OR at the very least get him to stop trying to pressure me into living with my in laws. I have FOUGHT with him, screaming no and asking him to please stop asking me. With my hormones, it didn’t say it at an inside voice, calmly, or without a few swear words. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and it frustrated me. I know his mom is worried, but I still think its because she views my family as white trash.

I’m sorry for my unorganized hard to follow rant about something that seems so trivial when I read some of these other stories. And if everyone thinks I’m over-emotional and over reacting, I’m going to blame it on hormones and stress haha.