So….I’m new to this whole MIL thing, she’s not exactly my MIL yet, me and the BF, lets call him “J” have been together for a while now, yeah we are young, we were both still at high school when we started dating. At first his mother didn’t give a crap what we did, were we were, anything. His Dad, not exactly the best of fathers, treats “J” as if he was his best mate from school, not his son, I’ve not exactly got a problem with that tho, how they get on as a family is up to them.
My problems really started when his parents read his emails (hacked into them no less) and found out we’d had sex (we are in a long term, caring, committed relationship) They started screaming at us about it, telling him he had to stop seeing me, told us we were never allowed in the house alone etc (I thought that was kinda odd given that his mother especially was so upset by it)
Obv being young, we did find other ways around their rules, going to my house (my parents maintaining that as long as we were safe and committed then they didn’t mind) He’s an only child btw. His dad had an affair when “J” was about 13.
Anyway, back to my current problems. Time went by and his mother discovered that we were still having sex (I have no idea how) she phoned my parents and started screaming at them, my mother (sensible kinda lady) said that she’d rather discuss this face to face that way everyone would stay more calm (my mother has never, and says will never have a problem with what I chose to do, so she wasn’t at all angry or anything) Mum puts up with this crazy woman’s screaming on the phone, then talks to my future FIL, he tells mum that under no circs are “J” and I ever to resume a physical relationship ever again, when mum says she has no intention of telling her now just legally ADULT daughter what to do, FIL says that “J” may not set foot in [my] house ever again. “J” still needs support through college, and not wanting to upset his parents, agrees to live by their rules for a while, ’till it all calms down.
Something that in-laws didn’t know was that I was 6 months pregnant with our child, our darling daughter, who due to my stress caused by them, was born prematurely and died within minutes of birth despite the efforts of some marvelous doctors to save her (while I know that the in-laws caused the stress, it wasn’t a planned pregnancy, I was too young, but I was looking forward to our little baby, and I can’t bring myself to quite forgive them) They incidentally, never knew about her, they still just think I was fat, I will never tell them, they don’t deserve to be grandparents, nor do I want to show them the grief that they caused me and “J.” When “J” had found out that I was pregnant months before, he said that he wanted to be there for me, and with me, and this was the prefect opportunity for him to say something he’d wanted to say for a long time, he proposed the same afternoon, having no money for rings, we wear identical charms.
We are still engaged not married yet, because MIL has banned him from marrying “so young” and she hates me. FIL keeps on at him about how he’ll “get over [me] and find someone better” FIL goes out of his way to introduce “J” to other women the same age as me in the hopes that he’ll leave me. “J” is really distressed by all of this, but doesn’t know how to tell his stupid parents to f**k off out of our lives.
He was sitting exams when we lost our darling daughter, as was I, I cannot convey the depth of our despair. Its been tough going since then, its only been a few months, but his parents are just getting worse, they won’t give him any form of ID not even a birth certificate, or (being in the UK) his national insurance card (which he has never even seen) so he can’t get a job, so he can’t move out and in with me.
Unfortunately, due to losing our daughter, I have to re-do a lot of work and exams so am taking another 2 years to finish all the courses I’m on before we can finally move on with our lives. We’re so strong together and I’ll never leave him, but how the hell do I deal with his stupid parents who won’t let him grow up and move on with his life.
Everything I do is wrong with them, apparently, I cook wrong, I clean wrong (having been made to clean MIL’s kitchen having cooked in it for our anniversary) I eat the wrong food (I live at home still, I have siblings the youngest of which is deathly allergic to nuts so I haven’t eaten them since he was born, MIL says that I’m “preventing her son from eating properly” I didn’t ask him to give up nuts, but he says that he wants too, so that he’s not causing any danger to my brother) There are loads of things like that that really get to me.
She’s dictated that we may only see each other for 4 hours every other day (during holidays from college, once a week for 4 hours during term time and once at the weekend), if she agrees at the time, we may not be at my house, and we can’t go out unaccompanied by his parents, “J” may not have any contact with the rest of my family (who all think he’s wonderful) we may not watch films are TV in her house, and when my printer was broken and I needed something printing for college “J” offered to print it for me, I said, should I pay for that, toner’s expensive, he said no, its fine. A day later MIL’s on the phone demanding “a contribution” from me, I wouldn’t mind so much, but she was accusing me of stealing from her and her husband and using “J” to do so, poor innocent “J” who I am apparently a bad influence on. I have allegedly, destroyed their family. Thing is…they were already f****d up by FIL’s affair, plus, anyone looking at “J” can tell he is mixed race, FIL & MIL claim to both be his parents, they’re both extremely fair-skinned people from the UK, “J” obviously is not both of their child, they’ve spent his whole life saying how like FIL he looks, he doesn’t at all, they are paranoid that people might find something out, yet if they were at least honest with “J” it might help their case.
I can’t stand them, they drive me insane, I don’t say anything to them for “J”’s sake, I don’t want to be the bad person who makes him chose, I want to be there for him when it all goes wrong. He says he wants to tell them to back off, but he hates confrontations, he hasn’t yet said anything, I really want him too, but I don’t want to push him, because ultimately they’re his parents, his choice. MIL says she “cannot trust [my] mother” and is constantly rude about her, my father is terminally ill, something that MIL refuses to believe (apparently I’m attention seeking) this means my mother has to work, something which MIL (never even did proper O-levels or GCSE exams) looks down on her for, an opinion that she consistently makes public (mum’s a teacher of adults) MIL keeps telling mum’s students that I’m a whore & that mum’s a horrible cruel person (incidentally, I have only ever had sex with one person and that’s “J” so how am I a whore?).
How do I say, very nicely to “J” you need to deal with them, and how the hell do I deal with their rudeness, bad manners, hostility, lies and dishonesty without losing “J” who is the love of my life?
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Advice
4 Responses to “Sick of MIL & FIL”
First things first. “J” needs to march down to the office that handles birth certificates and health cards and get his own copies. Then he needs to get a safe deposit box to store them in. Then he needs to get a job to support his own schooling.
I am not condoning “J’s” family’s actions. Neither am I condoning yours. From what you wrote .. BOTH SIDES… of this fiasco are knee deep in the moral swamp. Agreeing to the rules for support in schooling and then sneaking around to see each other isn’t the best moral high ground to be pointing fingers at other people’s actions.
I’m sorry for the loss of your baby, it was very unfortunate that you had to suffer such a major loss at such a young age. Maybe if you had informed “J’s” parents that you were pregnant, they may have taken a different path or made different choices. Since you didn’t, keeping the information to yourself, stress levels were yours to manage. The fact you don’t want to ever tell them about this baby, means you need to stop blaming them for the loss of her too. People need to know the whole story for them to even try to make amends.
As long as “J” is living in his parents’ house and they are paying for his college, then he needs to abide by their rules. That is just the way it is. Once “J” can support himself and can move out (while supporting himself) then you two will be free to live your own lives as you please. That is what “adulthood” means.
Yes, “J’s” parents are making it difficult for him to move out, because they can see that he won’t really be “moving out.” He will just be “moving in” with you and your family. This is not a good situation for a guy. A man needs to be able to support a wife before playing house with her. It makes for a stronger relationship later. Guys are just different with maturing. It takes them a lot longer to do, and be ready for, certain life situations. That is why you see so many young guys running off on a pregnant girlfriend, or some girl they just get tired of.
I really do feel for you and the loss of your premature daughter. I have dealt with prematurity too — only at five months, versus six. Amazingly my babies survived, but they were the exception, not the rule. And I know the doctors helped your baby as much as possible. Your grief from this must be huge.
I agree with Louise in that you should have told “J’s” parents about the pregnancy. Perhaps then they would have not been stressing you out so much, knowing your condition and knowing that the baby was their grandchild. And you cannot blame them for something they knew nothing about. That is a immature way of handling the situation.
More than likely, “J’s” parents are most upset about the age factor. A guy in high school is about as mature as a five-year-old. Sure, some might be different, but the general rule is that a guy really does not know what he wants until his mid-twenties at least. Often, a guy will go off to college and fall for someone who is “there” versus stay attached to the long-distance girlfriend. His parents can see that as a possibility. You must recognize this hard reality as well.
Also, if you have not yet figured it out, “J’s” parents do not get along with your mother/family because you live by a different set of morals. This will always cause problems between families. “J’s” parents tell him “no” and your mom says “yes” to him, for the same thing, and that is going to cause problems. There is nothing you can do about that. Frankly, if you mother is okay with you having sex, then SHE should have made sure you had proper birth control so there would have been no pregnancy in the first place.
If you love “J” and he loves you, then you will both still love each other five or six years from now. Don’t throw away your youth trying to grow up too fast. Being married young comes with its own set of problems and hurdles — plus tons of adult responsibilities. You don’t want to hit 30 and have tons of regrets about what you did in high school or bemoan a wasted youth.
And if you are continuing to have sex, you can expect another pregnancy to occur. Think hard about that and the issues this will bring. While every baby is a blessing, having one when so young will change your life forever. You will not be able to do the things most young people do. Are you willing to make that sacrifice? Are you willing to do it alone? A woman with a baby, and everything that goes along with one, is none too attractive to the high school or college guy.
Think hard about the things written to you on this post — as well as what others write you. I apologize if anything I wrote sounded harsh, but the rest of your life is at stake here. Don’t mess it up. You don’t get your youth back. Once it is gone, it is gone.
I’m from the UK. All he has to do is ring the jobcentre and tell them his mother i refusing to tell him his number and ask they’re advice. Usually he can be told his number by the dole office.
As for his birth certificate, Does he still live in the town he was registered in? If so, it cost’s £7 to get a copy of his birth certificate. If he doesn’t, he just needs to write to the town hall h was registered in and request a copy.
Come on. Your both in college. Those two things are very simple to work out and rectify. Your not young children, but your not fully grown adults either.
I can understand your mil’s point of view actually. If he’s not able to stand up for himself and his love for you to her then you two have no business bringing children into this world. I am sorry for your loss tho, i know the heartache of losing a child.
As far as the UK goes, you are legally able to have sex. The age of consent is not an indicator that you should start having it. I do not mean to be rude, but the tone of your post comes across as very childish.
An example? You were forbidden to have sex in his parents house. So what did you do? Went to your mothers and proceeded to get pregnant when you had no job, no money, and no home. Contraception is free in the UK.
Neither you nor “j” has shown his parents that they can trust either of you. You sneak around behing people’s backs instead of being an adult and standing up for yourself, this shows immaturity. I know, i’ve done it myself. When you really mature, (around 25ish) you’ll look back, (if you have any morals and values at all) and understand where they’re coming from.
Your being treated like children because frankly your acting like children.
As I have told my husband at times, grow some balls when it comes to your family, pull out the bitch card and get the job done. It won’t matter in ten years that they didn’t pay for his college….he can always get a scholarship. As for the other stuff, his id, stuff like that……he needs to GROW the f up and get them from his parents. If they will not give them to him he can always apply to the state department *or whatever it is called* You only allow yourself to be trampled on because it’s easier. Easy doesn’t enter into being an adult. If he loves you, truly loves you, then he will stand up for you and be a MAN.