My mother in law is not a bad person. In fact she is very kind. The main problem I face is they never are satisfied with how much time we spend with them. We actually LIVED with them for two months and they felt we did not spend enough time together. We have been married 6 years. We used to spend 80% of our time with them and the remaining time spent with our friends and my parents. Since getting married ALL of my friends and my family have complained that I no longer do any thing with them. First they we sad, now I think they are hurt. So this very unbalanced situation has been going on for the 6 years of our marriage.
Now a new situation has occurred. My husbands sister passed away about 6 months ago. Obviously the entire family is going through the grieving process. Now, as can be expected they want to see us constantly(100% of our time). Every time we meet with them, when we part with them they are so sad that we are leaving. They just want more, more, more. She calls me about 5 times every day. She calls me at work when I am very busy to tell me strange things. I really have been trying to be supportive to her but I am starting to feel so exhausted. My husband is grieving and just can not handle his mom. My husband and his sister have all ways filtered their moms calls because she has all ways called them so much. I felt this was rude of my husband to not talk to his mom every time she called when we first got married. But I now under stand why he does it.
I think that my problem is that my parents and I are so close and we have such a good balanced relationship that I want that for my husband with his parents. I do think family is important but some times I wish we could just move away.
When I talk to my parents or visit with them in person I leave feeling up built,. They all ways listen to my life if I feel like talking about it. They share there life/stories. When we talk to/visit my in laws we leave feeling drained. Not just me ,my husband also, maybe even more then myself. However, we obviously feel very obligated to try to be around them at this difficult time.
My husband got a new job the same month his sister passed away. He is working 12 hour days some times. I think in a way it has helped him being busy. But he I also feel he is avoiding the topic. My husband and I are very calm quite people. He is very shy and reserved. His parents are the opposite. (don’t know where he came from) They are loud and very emotional. Every time we do any thing with them they talk about my husbands sister, and cry hysterically. I can not imagine the pain that they are going through. But it is very upsetting to my husband to the point he dreads doing stuff with them. So they call me and make contact with me for dinners ect.
Some of my friends and family say I am taking too much of my in laws problems on. But I feel guilty not doing stuff with them now with my husbands sister passing away. But at the same time my husband has told me recently that he does not think his sister would want us to grieve so much that is stops the progression of our lives. We have been talking about starting a family of our own. I would love to have children but I am scared that with all of the attention I have to give to my in laws, it will just get crazier with kids.
I am sure things will get better. I guess I would just like some ideas on how to help my mother in law with her grief, and have a happy life with my husband..
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Advice
3 Responses to “sad situation”
Take a step back and STOP what you are doing. You are the enabler here, by continuing to give in to the inlaw’s suffocating demands. They will walk on you as much as you will let them. Do you want to be the proverbial door mat? Now is the time to take control back.
First, it is okay to let their calls go to voicemail. It also is okay to not speak with them/not return calls until YOU feel like it. Start the calls with, “I am so sorry, I was just rushing out the door to work/an appointment so I must be very brief and give them two or three minutes TOPS. REFUSE to take their calls at work. This is entirely inappropriate. Say you have a deadline to meet and your boss has already yelled at you about personal calls, and HANG UP.
What was really helpful with my super-intrusive inlaws (who wanted to be over at my house every day, all day long, telling me how to raise my kids) was setting up a visiting schedule.
It was NON-NEGOTIABLE. That was their time with us and THAT WAS IT. If we ended up having to go over to their house for dinner or something, then the next week, I counted that time spent as their “visit” so they would not be pulling that sort of crap on us week after week to grub more time.
You think it is bad now. They will become super clingy and demanding once you toss a baby into the mix. Been there, never doing that again.
If they whine to you about their grief, re-direct it. You are not a therapist so REFER them ot one every time you have to hear about it and they will eventually SHUT UP or see the therapist. Or, drop a cute puppy or kitten off at their home to refocus their attention elsewhere. There is no reason they should be ruining your life, and that is exactly what they are doing.
Being “nice” to you makes it harder for you to disengare. Worst case scenario, tell them YOU need time with your husband our YOUR marriage will suffer and that will be THEIR FAULT. Do they want that too? Perhaps that is the wake up call they need, although I doubt it. These folks probably feel entitled to your time.
Finally, stop it with the guilt trips. You have done more than your share of spending time with these emotionally draining people. They are using guilt as their weapon to get time with you and your husband. Shame on them. Shame on you if you continue to let it happen. Put your foot down now. You will be happy you did! I am.
AMEN DDIL!
Dear Sad Girl,
Unfortunate as it is, your In-laws are refusing to be adults. It is not your responsibility to make them grow up, handle problems or be their in general go to people. It is past time they learned how to entertain themselves. It is past time they learned where to go for help. Follow DDIL”S excellent advice and start the weaning process ASAP! Remember, you and your hubby ARE ALLOWED A LIFE AWAY FROM ANY PARENTAL UNIT.
Go forward and grab for your life with no regrets or guilt. You have absolutely no reason to feel those.
DDIL and Louise are correct!
Listen, you need to distance yourself from this lady. I respect her mourning, but you aren’t her kid. Your family has every right to feel hurt because you don’t spend much time with them. You’ve done your duty as a caring DIL by supporting this lady emotionally, but that has to come to an end.