Not Mother in LAW it’s Mother in LOVE..WITH HER SON
by Losing it! on 06/30 @ 5:17amHi There….
Well, I have been married for three years and have been dealing with this witch for 7 years.
Without going into too much detail… our marrige is on the verge of breakup. We have an appointment with a Marriage counsellor next week and we are barely speaking.
She is everything the proverbial ‘Mother In-Law’ has been described as. Maniuplative x 100… Controlling…possessive…you name it. I use to blame her but now I think my husband has a part in this as well. He is at her beck and call and myself and our son feel really left out.
How can I make him understand? Anything I say is always misconstrude and starts world war three…. I really don’t see this ever getting better.
HELP!
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Advice
8 Responses to “Not Mother in LAW it’s Mother in LOVE..WITH HER SON”
I hate to say it, but at this point, it may be too late to make him see the light. You should have done that from the beginning. It may be time to call a lawyer.
Try the counciling and see where that leads. But don’t be surprised if Mummy’s widdwe boy decides the therapist is a quack and a waste of money.
My MIL is the same way…controlling, demanding, and manipulative. She expects EVERYONE in the family to bow to her demands and wants everyone to rearrange her schedule to suit hers, not caring what others have going on in their lives. She acts as though the world revolves around her. My DH has been letting her treat me and my children this way because HE lets her treat her treat him this way. I had to sit my husband down and tell him firmly that if he wants to let his mother treat him like a surrogate husband or her personal errand boy/handyman while ignoring his immediate family’s needs (me and the children) that I had a nice lawyer he could talk to. I reminded him that her name is not on the marriage certificate and that my own mother does not treat him like that. It started arguments too because he accused me of not liking her. But I stood my ground and would not back down. I told him that it was not true. I reminded him that I liked her but I did not like her behavior or the way she treated me or him. Then, I gave him specific examples/situations where she was rude, disrespectful, demanding, ect. I spoke very calmly and told him in a way to make it sound like it would benefit him too that if he started setting limits with her regarding her demands of his time/energy/money. I told him that I loved him and noticed that he appeared “stressed” and needed some relaxation. LOL. It worked!!! He started planning weekend getaways with me and the children and activities where we started spending more time as a family away from her where before we were at her house every weekend listening her endless complaining. She did not like it but I noticed surely but slowly, he was setting boundaries with his mother too and telling her we had plans, ect. and he was spending more time at home and less at hers. I know that she is mad at me, but I don’t care. I have detached myself from her emotionally and treat her like a stranger when she is rude, disrespectful, and crosses the line with me and my family.You have control regarding how people treat you and that is very empowering. Good Luck!!
Start writing down what you want to say to your hubby in the counselors office. As you re-read your list you’ll be able to see the points that might be misunderstood and refine them into better statements. When you are in an emotional state this is very easy to do, so the list helps you focus.
Your feelings of abandonment are valid points to bring up, even if it does start WWIII. Your hubby made you a vow at your wedding and he needs to honor his promise. You and your son are the main people in his life now…mommy needs to be put on the back burner and HE needs to focus on his marriage and family now.
Wow..thanks so much for all of the wonderful responses. It’s crazy to see how many people are dealing with this.
I will take some advise and really just keep my fingers crossed… If it doesn’t work out than I know that Mommy was more important than us!! VERY SAD.
I have rarely seen advice as well-described and intelligent (and correct!) as that above from redwing1.
I have the same issue with a disrespectful MiL… rude, demanding, asking for handyman… everything. After years of trying different things, I ended up exactly where redwing1 is.
She’s right. It works. Not only does it work, but it works without the lingering, back-of-the-mind resentments that grow like cancer over time. My relationship with my husband has never been better.
Prepare a list of specific things mumsey wumsey has done that are inappropriate. Sometimes Mommy’s Boys need to hear advice from a non-partial third party before they can see the light. Some guys never do, so be prepared for that too. Don’t talk about Momma except for in the counselor’s office.
The above advice to plan things as a family WITHOUT THE TROLL and setting boundaries for her are the way you need to go. Good luck! And, if it ends up not working out, you can at least be thankful that you did not spend one more second with this horrid excuse for a MIL.
I have the same problem with my husband, we have been married a little of a year and that is his mother to a T!! I finally was so fed up with it that I sat down and wrote him a letter with everything I thought and how I felt about everything and laid it all on the line to him. And so far it seems that it has actually worked. When I first presented him with the letter he told me that it was childish that I couldn’t just tell him so I ended up reading the letter to him and by the time I was done reading it, it had really hit him hard. We discussed everything in the letter and since then he has been making sure that my feelings and concerns come well before his mothers and he has actually told her No a few times now with out me insisting that he say No!!
I would try the letter to him and hopefully it will get through to him! If you will put down everything you really feel it should be very hard for him to read it without finally getting it.
Same here. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me, because I got the same weird vibe from my last boyfriend’s mom, too. Anyway, my MIL is fucking insane: self-absorbed, narcissistic, and snobby. God, is she snobby. She genuinely thinks she’s some kind of artistic genius and that her sons are all incredibly gifted. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is very smart and talented. But this woman refuses to acknowledge anything redeeming about anyone outside of her little family. She’s terribly lonely because she’s “too good” to make friends with anyone else. Sometimes she pulls the excuse that people take advantage of her because she’s “nice” and rich. Well, she’s rich alright. She spends her money on the most inane things but complains about what other people “waste” their money on. Because she can’t make any friends, she constantly calls my husband up to spend time with her. It’s so annoying. And she gets angry if, for some valid reason, my husband and I can’t go up to see her. She really could care less how anyone else feels; totally fixated on her needs and thoughts. God, I really hate her sometimes.