Long story, but I need advice about by con-artist mother-in-law
by Fed up woman on 06/30 @ 6:01pmI was a newly divorced mother of two when I met my DH. His mother seemed wonderful. We were very close, talking about everything. She had problems with her existing daughter-in-law and I was helping her through them. She also has major financial problems so I lent her 22,000 dollars to help her out. Then I married her son. When I married her son I quit my job and decided to go back to school and live off of my savings which was well over 100,000 dollars. My DH makes a very modest salary so we were living primarily off of my savings. She would hint that she needed more money and I could’nt help because we had to use my savings to live off of and of course I have 2 children to support. All of a sudden when the money started running out she did’nt want to know me anymore. She became very close with her other daughter-in-law who she has demonized among everyone else she knows and now she is talking about me behind my back. Saying things like..”I feel so bad for my son that he is burdoned with that wife and her two kids” and saying “my son can’t go back to school because that wife of his is not working” MY GOSH. I am supporting myself from my savings ! Plus now the money is almost gone so I asked her to start paying the money I lent her back and she flat out refused. Then his father handed us a $300.00 check. Now I am faced with moving in with my parents along with my children and husband because money is so tight and I only have a year left in school. She continues to manipulate, try to make me look bad and talk about me so I froze her out of my life and my childrens lives. But my husband still goes to his mothers house for lunch and dinner when he is working. In my mind I think her should stay away out of loyalty to me. But at the same time I feel guilty wanting him to do that because I don’t want to hurt him or his family. I feel that if I try to reconcile that she will always hold a grudge against me and I will always be walking on eggshells around his whole family. It also does’nt help that his father is very sick with liver disease and is waiting for a liver transplant. So I feel guilty that this is all happening while his father is ill. But she just keeps manipulating and lying and she is also now taking money from other members of the family. I feel like this woman also prefers her blood-grandson over my two daughters and it shows. Which I am concerned will hurt my children. I have gone to the house and seen pictures of my daughters thrown in the corner and pictures of her grandson up on the walls. It’s very hurtful. I don’t know how to handle this and I don’t know what to do from here. Any advice is much appreciated.
Loading ...
Advice
18 Responses to “Long story, but I need advice about by con-artist mother-in-law”
You have made a very wise decision to freeze this con-artist out of your orbit. Keep your distance and keep YOUR funds in an account accessible by you alone. Stop the drain on your money and have your hubby support you (he did ask you to marry him, so that was his choice). Let him go for lunch and dinner….as long as you don’t have to go and interact with his mom…so much the better, let HER feed him.
Wow. I’d love to have gone to school and lived off my $100,000 savings. I worked my entire way through college, and I have an MBA. Why did you think you could go to school and not work??? Employers will NOT look favorably upon this. But you will find that out once you graduate.
Now, here’s the tough love:
You knew school would be expensive. That amount should have been set aside. And NO MAN (who is not a loser) would be living off of your savings with you. Shame on him! Now you and this deadbeat have to move in with your parents? That speaks volumes about HIS level of maturity. He falls squarely in the DO NOT MARRY category.
Regarding Granny “not liking” your girls as much. Of course she doesn’t. They are not “hers” by blood and she does not sound like the type of woman who would ever think otherwise. That you loaned this nutter $22,000 is a learning experience for you. Hopefully one you never repeat.
Get your education, keep this nutter out of your life (your one intelligent decision) and pray your husband eventually steps up to the plate and pulls his weight in this financial mess of a family of yours.
My husband works very hard in law enforcement to keep this family afloat. But he makes a modest income. Thanks for your advice, It is much appreciated. As far as school is concerned, I worked for 15 years in a hellish job that was unstable. All the while I scrimped and saved for the future. I am still scrimping but unable to save while I am not working. Rather than sink money into real estate while I had an unstable job I decided to pursue a nursing degree. This way I can support myself and my children, no matter where I go I will have a lucrative career. So there are several intelligent decisions I made here. Except allowing this viper into my life. As far as my MIL liking my daughters, I would not have as much an issue about it except that she is constantly bragging that she loves my girls as much as she loves her “blood grandchild” yet never shows it. So if she wants to brag about it then she should do it. No I will never repeat lending money like that again. It was definitely a learning experience. But please let me make myself clear, because maybe I did’nt before. My husband does pull his weight. He stepped up to the plate and loves my children as if they are his own. When I graduate I have 4 jobs already lined up. I have been offered them already because of my clinical skills. But again, thanks for your advice and tough love. It is refreshing for someone to give their honest opinion.
Most con-artists want the rewards and accolades they get from their “bragging” rights. Your girls have your mom as their example of a loving granny…whatever the godzilla does is not going to affect them. I’m pretty darn sure your girls don’t really think about MIL’s impact on them…they know they have a great granny already. If push comes to shove…your ex’s mom is their secondary granny figure, so your now MIL is running a poor third. Hmmmm, blow her bragging off as the hot air it is, all the people that she has encountered in her “career” will give her own horn-tooting the weight it deserves.
The fact your hubby stepped up to the plate and claims your girls as his own is a big plus……now he needs to start shutting his mom down and protect all of you.
Apply for a SALLIE MAE student loan for your last year of school as these can be used for any of your school expenses….including housing. With such a nursing shortage in this country you will be sitting pretty in just a few months after your finals.
Thanks for the clarification. It is nice to see that your husband is supporting the family as much as possible and that you are not a youngster living off of a trust fund making poor decisions. You are right, your career choice will give you many great opportunities. And at least there is a light at the end of the schooling tunnel.
I guess when the troll talks about how she “loves all her grandkids the same,” your could reply with, “Seeing is believing.”
The best thing you can do about a viper MIL is to ignore her, speak to her as little as possible, never give her any information on your life and never let her see that she has annoyed you (they love knowing they have done that).
Sit down with your husband and set some non-negotiable boundaries/rules with the troll and have some snappy comeback comments to re-direct her manipulation attempts.
Good luck! You sound mature enough to be able to handle the witch. I understand the relentless part of it (my MIL is very pushy and keeps trying to get her way over and over again, which is tiresome).
Remember, you do not need to take what she dishes out.
OOOOOHHH !!!! GOOD ADVICE !!!! Seeing is believing ! Great ! Thanks for the Sallie Mae advice. I’m going to head up to the financial aid office and look into that. Now, I have another question. My hubby just came home and informed me that his father asked when he dies will me and the girls go to the funeral. (his mother told him this) I started to cry because I feel like garbage. She is manipulating me even when I am not there. Should I have just told my that she should cut the Cr-p ?
And louise, You are right about my mother and ex-mother-in-law. They are both fabulous grand-parents and are so good to my daughters.
This troll is never going to cut the crap. She loves crap. It is her middle name, so don’t even go down that road.
What helps me is anticipating the things Satan, uh, my MIL could say or do. Then I am prepared to deal with her nonsense.
The best answer to your hubby would be, “Why of course the girls and I will be attending the funeral! Is somebody crazy enough to think otherwise!?”
Then, when I got that old bat alone, I’d smile ever so sweetly and let her know that I plan on attending HER funeral too — just so I can pinch her really hard to make sure she is dead! Then when she gest all upset and tells others what a meanie you are, just say she must have misunderstood what you said, poor old dear. Works like a charm with my evil MIL.
And, yes, I probably will pinch her at her funeral.
Wow…. your MIL must be REALLY bad. But I think I will take your advice… thanks for your help, you have been great.
My MIL is completely evil. My sister and I joke that if you give her an inch she will take a mile. She manipulates and bullies and nags and insists on her way, like she is entitled to it. If I can successfully combat somebody like that, then you can too! It will be hard work, and never-ending (until she is six feet under), but it can be done.
First of all, Congratulations on earning your nursing degree. I am a nurse and when you graduate, there are so many opportunities waiting for you. I understand about the part that you are not able to work while in school. In fact, when I was in nursing school, all the professors encouraged us NOT to work since it is a very demanding prgram academically. I am working on my master’s degree now and have been working part-time while in school full-time.
I am in a similar situation with my evil MIL. She made some really bad financial decisions in her life and never worked outside the home. She lives off of her husband’s pension (my FIL is dead) and is constantly complaining to my husband about how broke she is. Yet, she has money to go on trips with her friends, go shopping, and likes to go out to eat everyday because she is too lazy to cook. My MIL is always asking for more money from my husband and complains that “Iyour wife is not working full-time and pulling her load financially, ect. and wonders why “I am going to school again when I already have a degree.” Then, my husband told her that when I graduate, we are going to give her money every month and he did this without discussing it with me. I know the witch put him up to that and that it was her idea. By the way, I have 4 children to support and one of them is in college and one goes next year.
I suggest you do what I did. I told her that it was none of her business how much money I make and that it was not my fault that she made bad financial decisions like blowing all her money on luxuries and not planning for the future. I told my husband that it was not my responsibility to support her after I graduate with my master’s degree because she is not my mother and does not treat my children very well either.My children and I do not even speak with her or visit because she makes these passive-aggressive remarks to try to hurt us. If he wants to support her, then he could move in with her and marry her. His primary responsibility is his immediate family (myself and the children). Also, I told her that it was not her concern whether I decided to go back to school because I am not furthering my education to benefit her. I am doing it for myself, my husband, my children, and my patients so I can provide better for them in the future. I explained that she had many years to plan for the future and now it’s my turn to plan for mine.
I did not care if she was angry and she never opened her mouth again asking for money. LOL. Good Luck with your new career.
Oh how delightful… She wants to talk now.. She told my husband to have me call her. I’m not wanting to call because I know she will twist things and if she pushes me too hard I’m afraid I will say some really mean things to her. Through this process of removing myself I have effectively risen above her crap and instead of acting undignified I’ve shown her what a real lady is. Should I call ? If she calls, should I talk to her ?
Wait for her to call you. See how she handles it. Then if she starts her garbage, disengage with the polite ” I really can’t continue this now.” and hang up on her. Then screen all your calls and don’t answer hers.
I forgot to say, to be really polite and distant when you chat with her….just in case she is taping the call.
Wow. Another power trip. She is making YOU call her. Ordering you around again. Absolutely do NOT call the old biddy. If hubby asks “why not” (she might call him and whine that you’ve not called) then demure with you just have not had the time and leave it at that.
If the hag does not hear from you soon, she WILL call. You can count on that. So prepare yourself now. And remember, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person so don’t even go there. I would be very quiet during the phone call and listen to what the crone had to say. (you might consider taping HER)
If she started getting abusive or rude, I would respond with, “Oh, I was under the impression that you wanted to talk, not engage in inappropriate behavior over the phone. I love my huband far too much to argue with you.” Then I would hang up.
If she called back, I’d let it go straight to voicemail. I agree with Louise, do NOT say anything to this witch that you don’t want the whole world to possibly hear. This could just be another one of her ways to manipulate folks or make you feel like crap.
On the other hand, if she remained civil, or not so rude, during the conversation, then I would say nothing until she was done and then I would end the call with “thank you for your apology” (whether she made one or not — and I am betting not, based on what you’ve written) and hang up. Again, if she called back, straight to voicemail she’d go.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes. Many of us DIL’s are very good at snappy answers to stupid/rude questions/demands. Those things help a lot at stopping the rude MIL from doing some of the things she does (especially once she finds out she is no longer getting away with it.)
Ooh! Here’s another idea. When she calls, you can tell her that you’d be happy to talk with her/have her back in your life ONCE she repaid the $22,000 she owes you. That won’t ever happen, so then you’d be free of her once and for all. Every time she tried to ooze her way in, just say the same thing. Tell her if she is serious, then you’ll put her on a regularly scheduled payment plan. Ha. Now you are the one in control, not her.
Congrats on getting through nursing school and on the many other hats you juggle.
Co- financial supporter, mother, wife, daughter and DIL exc. Exc. Exc.
What is your FIL like? I am making an assumption through what you have written or what you haven’t written that he is a passive person and he does not engage in his wife’s attacks. And I am hoping that he responded to your request of the lone repayment with a re-payment check because he agreed that it was the right thing to do. You make it seem like you feel guilty that he gave you a check while he is ill. It is his wife’s mess that has created this, she never intended on repaying the money other wise she would have made a payment plan and honored it. If I’m not mistaken with all the work she does in manipulation, she could have worked overtime and earned the money to re-pay you. I think he recognized the responsibility and honored the debt she occurred. Don’t forget this is a cycle and if you prove her wrong and others recognize it she will recoil to make you seem like a bad person to justify that she was right in the first situation. If she has re-coiled by saying you and the girls refuse to go to his funeral to him, this is very evil and hurt full to everyone. Just because you pull back from her does not mean you can not show the truth to others in the family. Do not allow the lies she has told others become truth in their minds. Unless they are like her and feed off this crap, then who cares what they think. I would reach out to others in the family worthy of a relationship and let them make up their minds about you for them selves. I would completely close the door to your MIL, and if she wants to be apart of YOUR family’s lives then I would set down many specific ground rules. Despite if your FIL is dyeing, you are owed this money. It is yours and it is not her decision on if how and when it will be repaid. You need to go to court and if not for you, your girls can make good use of it for their future. If you wish to be lenient and allow her to make small payments over the next 6 years without interest, you can do that but it is far beyond the point that you need a judge to tell her she will do it. If she makes a big deal of it and make you out to be a bad person, state your case. Your husband needs to stand beside you on all these issues and defend you when you are not there. It sounds like he is a good person but passive.
Ok for one your MIL is a low life she seems like shes just using everyone ealse for there money so she can live freely . and as for the comment that someone left about employeers not liking that you didnt work while going to school thats not true at all im working yes and going to school but i have pleantly of friends who were catered to by there parents and never had to work and got to go to school full time and were immediatly hired on its not about going to school and working at the same time its about who you are and how well you do your job! so dont mind that person! there kinda dumb! and as for your husband not working and living off your saving i agree that he should have been working that was money you saved by yourself so you could go back to school he was completly capable of working and he didnt he used you he seems like hes on his mothers path when it comes to money and maybe you should sit down and talk to him about it befor he makes it habit like his mother because he might not realize hes becoming that person. my fiance works all the time and im disabled because of cancer and he complains about it but what keeps him going is me because i tell him all the time ill switch places with you any day id rather work then be sick and i loved to work when i was able to because it gave me self independece it was my money so your husband should be grateful he has the ability to go to work and give you a good life and he needs to embrace that! so he needs to get off his butt and be the husband he should have been being in the first place and honestly maybe you just need to talk to him because somtimes your man needs a little guidance like my fiance did . and now hes on the right track .as for your mother in law dont worry about her you will get on with ur life weather she likes you or not you have more important things like your kids to worry about then how she feels today . and the father in law just pray everyday that he will be ok because honestly he probably just thinking about the rest of his life now everyone ealses problems and trust me your kids will be ok whenit comes to your mother in law likeing or dislikeing them because as long as they know you love them thats all they need to dont worry about it .