How to deal with passive aggresive MIL and In-law family
by Kate FH on 06/30 @ 5:58pmI’ve been married 4 years this July. My HB is classically non-confrontational (in public and around others) and very controlling in private. We have our issues that we deal with as readily as we can, raising toddler twins and working and going to college. We are planning to move to live with my family out of state, which has always been supportive of our marriage and is very open – I grew up communicating, good or bad, fighting and making up and was taught how to show a lot of love. My HB’s family is quiet. In the last 5 years, the only ‘deep’ conversation my HB has had with his family was 3 months after our children were born when he went skiing with his father, when his father spoke to him that “your mother and I are worried she is trying to drag you back to (out of state) and we want you to know that you have our support in staying here. If she wanted to live there, she shouldn’t have come here and found a husband and started a family.” Clearly, I know this because my HB tells me …. Anyhow, there is a pile of passive aggressive conversations and actions that I could list, but the main problem is that they have identified me from the beginning as someone out to ’steal’ their son and grandchildren, an overbearing and loud confrontational woman who they do not trust. After fighting this perception for so long to try and keep some sort of fake peace, I am done. I am done trying to fix my husbands attitude problems, communication problems, and family problems. What I don’t know how to do is control my anger and resentment towards his family for all of the energy I put into a (crappy) relationship with them and for them not having a better relationship with their son. I know my HB is completely responsible for how he interacts with them, and me, but he has fallen down on that job and knows it. Going forward, it can’t be in constant limbo so do I just tell them what I feel and let it go and risk showing them the monster in me they think I already am? Do I repress it? Do I just avoid avoid avoid? The sad thing is, I really want my kids to know all their grandparents, but I don’t trust them around my kids if they hate me!! stupid conundrum. I’m not perfect – I am loud, can be overbearing and confrontational…. but they haven’t seen a fraction of how openly I communicate with my family! Any advice – Good solid, objective advice on how to not be a bad wife by dissing my in-laws and how to let go of this angerrrrr!!!
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7 Responses to “How to deal with passive aggresive MIL and In-law family”
If you act like they fell off the face of the world, then you aren’t “dissing” them. It is called ignoring them entirely.
Face the fact, your in-laws aren’t going to be like your family…if you really want your kids to know their grandparents…then you have to be around to stop them from “dissing” you to the kids.
When the crap starts, you pack everyone up and go. No discussion! When they carry on to your husband and he so helpfully tells you about it (what is up with that anyway?) tell him you really don’t need to hear it, since the opinions expressed aren’t important to you. Get your spine implant and stick with your own decisions. Live your life your way.
That you are moving out of state to where your parents live will be most helpful. It is easier to ignore dreadful people that way. Do as Louise suggests: INGORE THEM. No picking up the phone when they call, no returning email/text messages and so forth. You get the picture.
Frankly, these people are not worth caring about. You are letting them live in your head rent free. Do you want that ? I don’t care a fig about my nutter inlaws, and that is quite liberating. Now I just laugh at all the stupid things they do.
If your husband continues with the control issues, get yourself and him into counseling and get that straighted out. Look at your upcoming move as a way to start with a clean slate.
And about wanting the kids to know the grandparents — ONLY if you are present during all visits. That way you can correct them when they are out of line. Works like a charm with my childish inlaws.
After reading what your FIL said about you – why would you even care if you were dissing them? They obviously don’t care if they diss you!
DDIL is so right (as usual!). This move will be the healthiest thing you can do for you, and your family.
Yeah I have to agree with the girls. Ignore the fruitcakes til you leave. And guess what? If Mr. Controlling doesn’t want to go….You take your kids and YOU LEAVE!
This is how abuse starts!
hey kate,
i have basically the same problem, but i am just now pregnant with our first child. i am so nervous about how my awful in-laws will act now with ‘their’ grandchild involved (and its the first grandchild for them, oh crap!). i like the advice about being there to correct them in front of the kids, and ignoring them when you are not visiting. i know how it feels to have them weighing in the back of your mind, but you have to do whats best for you and your family. having negativity like them around will do no good. as far as your husband, i would find a counselor. my husband and i did and he is now getting better about standing up for me and not always coming to the defense of his precious mommy all the time. (can you tell i still am angry about that issue?! haha!) so good luck!
I cannot give you any advice but I will share my own experience and tell you what has worked for me.
My HB is also very controlling inside and non-confrontational and he actually takes great pride in it. However, unlike in your case, he does communicate his feelings with his family members, especially with his mom and his brother.
My HB would tell all of our arguments, our personal things to his brother and mother. And of course he portrayed me as the bad one and him as the innocent victim. This is one of his ways of getting attention. And his family reacted. His brother and the brother’s wife publicly started to ignore me, they would stare me down and give me faces. They went on with the passive aggressive ways and felt good about doing it. At first it hurt so much. I am a foreigner (my family and friends thousands of miles away), I am on their turf, not knowing the ways in this culture – you can imagine how lonely and vulnerable I felt.
Then slowly I would look inside myself and stop wondering why was this happening to me. Instead, I would detach from their reactions and frame it as their problem rather than a fault in me. I surrendered. I have no control over them, their feelings and their attitudes toward me. They did what they decided to do but I placed the cause of their doings inside them. I realized, it did not matter what they were doing. What mattered was, what I was doing and how I felt. Meaning I construct my own life and really make what I want out of it. It freed me from obsessing over them.
I have also gone through “ignore them” part. At my daughter’s BDay, I totally ignored my mother in law. And it felt good!!!
At the same time I enjoyed the whole party because I was not obsessing to please her, control her feelings in any way. I just let go. I drew a very clear line how close I was going to let her to me. And it may not have been the “best” solution but it worked for me at the time.
Right now, I am thinking who I am. What my values are, what my principles it life are and each time there is resentment, bitterness, hurt – I consciously practice being aware of my feelings and understand what is really going on. Do I REACT or do I ACT?There is a difference. I try do do what is the right thing according to my own internal set of values. The advantage of it is that when you know you have done the right thing, it gives you a much stronger grounds to later argue your case if you ever need to stand up for you needs and say “NO”.
Sadly my HB has not found out his true identity yet. He never rebelled – he never “separated” from his family to find out who he was. He always pleased his parents and he is still a people pleaser – a chameleon you would say. And he is totally oblivious to if. But it is not my job to open his eyes either.
What has helped me on my way here? I strongly recommend Melody Beatty’s Codependent No More or The New Codependeny. Her books have altered my life only to the better.
Forget about dissing them, m’love and worry about what their attitude is/will be doing to your family.
Why should you care about what they think or their precious feelings are hurt if they don’t care about yours?
Say “See ya!” to them, and of course, as DDIL said, only allow the kiddos to see them when you are in the room.
Best-
Portia