Being the bigger person is tiring.
by zLolaz on 06/30 @ 5:23amI honestly can not say if my fiances mother has never liked me or not. It seems to have started after we got engaged, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t around before then, maybe she just never voiced it because she assumed I was just a placeholder, so to speak.
I am completely fed up at this point with my future MIL. I don’t know what else to do and while my fiance asks me “tell me what else I can do” I have no idea. She is definately one of those that can’t handle “losing” her baby, and is making sure we know how “hard” this is for her.
I just realized if I try to explain everything that we have been through lately I would go over the text limit, so I will try to shortn it up. Nothing we have decided has been good enough for her. Every decision we make is the wrong one. From the wedding date, to the location, to the food, invitations, etc, etc, you get the idea. Anything we decide is “wrong” because its not HER way.
I have tried to be nice and polite and suck it up and be the bigger person, but how long do I have to do that? I am sick of it. I invite her to things and she complains to my fiance that she doesn’t want to go, or isn’t going to go. Then she does show up and is MISERABLE and makes sure everyone around her knows it. The most recent was the food tasting. As soon as she sat down she “sighed” to my fiance (loud enough for me to hear) “I am already ready to go, I didn’t even want to come” I bit my tongue so hard it probably bled to keep from saying “Then GO!” she complained about hwo cheap the food looks, how nothing is good, no one will like it, etc. (the food is not cheap and i thought everything we tasted was wonderful). I didn’t say anything rude out of respect for my fiance but really? When does it stop? I asked him why he didn’t say anything and he said he didn’t want to cause a scene, which unfortunately would have happened had he said something, so that’s fair. She did finally storm out when she started planning my fiance’s grooms cake. He and I have already talked about it, and since he doesn’t like cake and I don’t really want two white cakes, he was going to get chocolate. She went on and on about white, he said “we don’t want a white cake” she kept on, finally I said “He and I have already discussed it, we do not want two white cakes” She said “ok, I’ve got to get going” got up and stormed off. She said to fiance “aren’t you going to walk me down?” he stood up and I said “really?!” and gave hm “the look” and he didn’t go, when we all got to the elevators, she was there, waiting to bitch to him, and she did, to the point that he was in tears. At our reception venue. I still dnt know what she said, but WHo does that? What kind of mother acts like that? He gets uset and wants to know what HE did to cause this behavior, I feel awful for him because it is NOT HIM but he has been manipulated so long that he really thinks it is.
I am sick of it, fiance and I have talked to our pastor about it, fiance and the pastor have talked privately about it. Our pastor suggested some ways that fiance could handle it and my fiance DID sit down with his mother and explain how her behavior is affecting us and our relationship. She stopped for a week. That was the week prior to the food tasting.
She used to call him anytime of the day and he would answer, she called at 10:45 PM one night to talk about a football game….he answered and I got mad, that is our time and she KNOWS that we hadn’t seen each other or talked much that week, she purposely calls when she knows he can’t talk because she wants to make him feel guilty about “abandoning” her. And unfortunately, it works. She’ll call when she knows we’re out on a “date” or when we’re at lunch. After several instances of me getting pissy he doesn’t answer at those times anymore, but I know its just because it pisses me off, not because he doesn’t want to.
The behavior is not just wedding related, she nags about everything, wants to know every detail of every day, and he tells her. it drives me craz to hear him on the phone with her, its like listening to a 5 year old tell his mommy about his day…its disgusting.
Even with all we’ve been through I have tried to be the bigger person, continued inviting her to everything, trying to involve her (even if she tells fiance that she isn’t involved in anything) but she is making wedding planning MISERABLE. A few weeks ago (prior to the tasting) I’d written a thank you note for something and mentioned getting together so she could help my mom and I w/the favors. After the tasting I decided I have had ENOUGH. I am NOT going to let her ruin the last few weeks of wedding planning, this is supposed to be the most exciting time of our lives and we are miserable because of her. I told him I wasn’t inviting her to any other planning things, he was mad because I’m not being the bigger person. Nope, not anymore. After the wedding maybe I’ll try again but I WILL enjoy these last few weeks (5 to be exact) and if that means cutting her out, so be it.
My fiance tells me he stands up for me, that tells her when she talks about me or calls just to belittle him that he will let her go, that he’s not going to put up with it, but she continues. To me that says he’s not trying hard enough to stop it. He says the ONLY thing he can do at this point is to cut her out completely, I told him I could never ask him to do that but if she doesn’t stop, I can’t take it. I wont have a marriage with him and his mother. I know he has sat down with her, I know he tells her that he’s not going to listen to her BS anymore, but it doesn’t stop. Aside from cutting her out completely, what can he do? I am at a loss.
I know most of this sounds wedding related, but it is NOT only about the wedding, she says mean things about me (I have a 5 year old son, which aparently makes me not good enough for him in her eyes), has said how my son is NOT his son (which is technically true, but as soon as we’re married we are going to start the adoption process so that he will be) and that he shouldn’t be “stuck” raising someone else’s kid. That was one of my final straws. You want to be a bitch to me? Fine, you talk about my kid and it is over.
I KNOW he is trying, but it isn’t enough and I don’t know what else to do. He’s talked to his dad (who loves me), and his mom’s friends (who also love me) and all have agreed and said they would talk to her but she doesn’t think there is any problem.
I just realized how long this is and that no one will probably read all of this but it feels good to get it out. I just don’t know what else to do or what else fiance can do. I guess I just need to figure out how I am supposed o deal with this for the rest of my life? Right this second, thinking about dealing with that makes me want to cry.
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11 Responses to “Being the bigger person is tiring.”
Ok, honey, take a few deep breaths and settle your nerves. Your MIL is clearly extremely selfish and only thinking of herself. Your FH is so used to her controlling, manipulative behavior that he doesn’t know HOW to make her back down. Not his fault, and I agree that he IS trying, even if it doesn’t seem to help. It’s all very well that you and he have talked to friends and family about this, but they can’t fix the situation. The two of you need to get some counseling, from a professional. Don’t settle for the first therapist you see in the phone book, either. Find someone who is experienced in dealing with toxic parent/child relationships, dysfunctional families, who won’t tell you that you have to try harder to get along with your MIL because all families should be happpeeeeee. *barf*
I’d suggest a couple of books, too. The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman, is excellent and might give you some insights into what’s really going on in her head. Also check out ‘When He’s Married to Mom’ by Kenneth Adams. I’m not saying it’s that bad yet, but your FH really needs to get some education on what’s going on in his mother’s head and how he can deal effectively with the guilt and attempts to control him that seem to be her only way of interacting with him. Tell your FH, also, to Google ‘Controlling Mothers’ and read a lot of different articles on the subject. Poor guy needs all the help he can get.
Curious: is his father a bit of a doormat? Always letting mom have her way because it’s easier than standing up for himself and fighting with her? Because your FH’s behavior may be modeled on his Dad’s method of dealing with his Mom, which is why he’s having a hard time figuring out how to make you happy.
Couseling, immediately, and don’t let your FH try and tell you it’s not necessary. It’s very obvious that wedding planning aside, Mommy is having a hard time stepping out of the limelight and it’s NOT going to get better after you get married, trust me. It’ll only get worse if you don’t take a stand and learn some effective methods of blocking her.
Remember, I’m pullin’ for ya, we’re all in this together.
First off…STOP SUCKING UP TO THIS TROLL!!!!! It’s obvious she doesn’t like you so why continue to look for her acceptance? It’s a waste of your time and energy.
As far as hubby to be standing up for you? That is YOUR responsibility. It is his to deal with Mommy’s temper tantrums. If she doesn’t want to be somewhere and starts complaining, appologize for inconviniencing her and offer to walk her out.
As for your son, that is her loss. Children at that age or so unbelivably loving. He would easily accept her as Granny or Nana or whatever but if she chooses to treat him that way then she really doesn;t need to be part of ANY of your future childrens lives either does she?
If she is not paying for anything, she has NO RIGHT to say how she wants things done.
Put on your big girl panties, grow a thick skin and put your foot down now!
what your future husband CAN DO IS to sit her down, on his own, without you, (just for this time) and tell her DIRECTLY that if she does not stop her stupid childish behaviour that HE WON’T SEE HER ANYMORE. This woman is acting like she is marrying her son and that it is HER wedding! I think your husband to be is also easily manipulated by her. This has to stop now. Don’t bother trying to get this woman to like you because HER ACTIONS are already showing you and your future husband that she does not like you and probably never will and HER ACTIONS speak loud and clear that SHE DOES NOT EVEN RESPECT HER OWN SON even after he has already had many talks with her. Ask your husband to be if he would tolerate this kind of bullsh*t from a friend or stranger and if he says no then why does he tolerate this from his own mother? People seem to think that they have to “put up with” family bullsh*t just because they are family! That is rubbish! Either she shuts up or he closes the door on her until she learns to stop being rude, a bitch to you and disrepectful to you both. Have a read of this article. http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/01/understanding-family-relationship-problems/
You need to show your intended “HOW” to deal with his mom. That means you don’t put up with her crap. If you want her to be included you invite her….after that it is up to her. If she shows up fine, if not, also fine. Planning your wedding is not an all inclusive thing….it isn’t required for your FMIL to be there on the decisions. Drop this bag at the door and stop worrying about her feelings….she will have to learn, she isn’t the main concern now.
Teresa (very coincidental name LOL) I already own the “he is married to his mother” book. I bought it for myself but I told him he needs to read it. Unfortunately, it IS that bad. Thanks for your post. I agree counseling is a huge need. I really think it’d be good if he goes by himself (I’m not opposed to going together) because unfortunately, this is about him and his mother, I’m just the target, you know?
Thanks for all of the other feedback. I will read that article you posted Sage. He has told her a million times that he isn’t going to be able to have a relationship with her if it doesn’t stop. They don’t speak for a few days and she calls crying to apoligize and is nice for a few days, then the cycle starts all over. he will NEVER completely cut her out, and unfortunately we all know this, so its an idle threat. I won’t ask him to do that, because it is his mother, no matter how toxic she is, she is his mother. I am a mother, my heart would break in two if my son never spoke to me again (granted, i am not a bitch but whatever
)
I have calmed down a little since I wrote that, but I think mostly becuase I haven’t had to see/hear from her lately. I think the hardest thing is that because they ARE so emotionally attached its hard for me to be a bitch to her because I know how much that will hurt my fiance. Even though she is hurting me I can’t do it back out of respect for him, know what I mean? I wish I could get just as dirty as she does, but I know how much that would hurt him and I just can’t.
I read your entire note. You are right, this is not a wedding issue, it is a CONTROL issue, plain and simple.
Sit down with your fiancee and write a list of non-negotiable rules for Satan. Boundaries must be set NOW. It will only get worse after you are married. Wait until after the wedding. Hoo boy!
Do NOT invite her to anything else. Her only purpose in going is to ruin it for you. When she complains about anything, simply smile and say, “I am sorry you feel that way,” and then continue on doing exactly as you had been doing. Your fiancee needs to adopt the phrase as well. Another good phrase for him is, “The matter is closed/decided and there will be NO more future discussion about it. Thank you!”
Regarding the above tips: buy those books and get into counseling pronto. You don’t have to be the “better person” to somebody who refuses to see that she has a big problem. Stop enabling the old cow.
I agree with all the above comments. It sounds to me like being the “bigger person” in your eyes is actually making you smaller… small enough to be squashed under her thumb, anyway!
There is a difference between being rude and being assertive. If she is complaining at an event that she doesn’t want to be there, I would just say to her “If there’s somewhere else you need to be ____, I’ll understand if you want to leave now.” And then stop inviting her to anything. She’s made it clear to you how she feels, right?
Anyway, at least she isn’t imposing herself on you. You’re lucky she doesn’t want to come, shes doing you a huge favor!
“not wanting to create a scene” That is the problem with mother in law issues. We want to solve it but afraid to create a scene. Remember, to solve a problem, we have to go through the biggest scene, cause you have to understand…your mother in law is that way because she’s been wanting to create a scene, she is screaming for help! so give it to her, tell her the truth, tell her how you feel, because I did after 4 yrs of not wanting to create a scene and it works. I should have done that a long time ago but I was too afraid. When I finally confronted her, she finally realized that she was just making stories in her head thinking that I hated her and other ridiculous things that she made up in her head. I told her nicely and calmly how you feel and that doesn’t mean you hate her, tell her you love her. I was basically her shrink that day because she started to let out all of her problems and issues that she had and that made her who she is today, that is why she is so controlling, depressed, and unhappy. There is a reason why some mother in laws are the way they are, you have to find out what happened to them and what made them this way. My mother in law encountered many people that back stabbed her in her past and she compared me to these people, thinking that I might be like them. When I deal with my mother in law, I set my husband aside, because it is between me and her not with him in the middle because trust me, mother in laws are not as daring when you face them straight in the face. I was hiding from her behind my husband but remember, she was hiding as well. Good luck and you can do it!
zLolas, I have practically the exact same issue. It was somewhat comforting reading your [entire] article because I too am wedding planning, and my MIL does the same things, and my fiance reacts the same way. Always having to be the “bigger person” IS exhausting! Let me know if you figure out something that works because I’m getting pretty beat into the ground too.
All of the posters are correct.
Sweetheart, if you don’t stop her now, she’ll take over your entire life! My MIL tried to do this and I stopped her in time. I’m much more happier with her out of my life and it took a huge scene to get her away from me.
But you know what? My relationship with my husband has never been better. The stress that woman causes is gone. Also, I have allowed her own actions against her son to define their relationship. As a wise person once said that if you give a person enough rope, they will hang themselves and this is what Ursula the Hutt is doing. Her son has realized how much she doesn’t really care about him or what he wants.
Also, being the bigger person all of the time sucks and will make you unhappy. You also need time to vent and let all of your emotions out.
All of my best–
Portia
(who thought a vacay to Europe would temper her feelings about her MIL, but it didn’t. Oh well)
I’ve been married to my HB for 10 years. My MIL is very similar to yours. I’ve been the “bigger person” for over 10 years. We got caller ID because when my son was born 8 years ago, she harrassed me so much I no longer answer the phone when she calls. She is manipulative and is very careful to only say the insulting things to me when her son isn’t around. Being the bigger person is really getting to me. I just want to defend myself. My husband says not to “engage” her because it’s not worth it. She will play the victim and blame me for everything. He knows that because he confronted her and his dad a few years ago and them put all the blame on me. That’s what I got for defending myself. I’m at the point now where I feel anxious everytime I’m going to see them. Which is unfortunately more often as they have suddenly taken an interest in my son’s sporting activities. If someone has some advice out there I know I’d certainly appreciate it. For those of you just at the beginning of your relationship with your MIL,……good luck. It’s not easy. My only saving grace is that my husband sees how they are….it’s how they’ve always been. You can’t teach old dogs new tricks. They just don’t think they do anything wrong. He is used to sucking it up….honestly, I don’t know where he came from. He’s a patient, patient man. Best wishes to you.
J