I will give the EXTREME short version….but it’s not just a FMIL but a FSIL as well. They are a team. My fiance sticks up for me and for our relationship by they are relentless. They are totally against me and constantly make me feel like I am so lucky that he is making this huge mistake and marrying me. They have made graphic malicious attacks on my character that I will never forget. Some to my face, some behind my back. the latest problem is they believe a rumor they have heard and are using that as ammunition to “open his eyes to thje horrible person I am.” Truth is, I am a very good, church going, successful, kind hearted, intelligent person but they refuse to see any good in me no matter what. They have prodded into my past and have asked intrusive and personal questions of me and to him about me. I have been beyond hurt and humiliated by them and what they refuse to realize is how much they hurt him too. An engagement is supposed to be happy, but this has been the worst time in both of our lives. The wedding is near, but I still wonder if it will happen because they are working very hard to bring things to his attention so that he reconsiders. They have already tried to blatantly to talk him out of it. Can’t ya just feel the love?????
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16 Responses to “My engagement is a nightmare!!”
NYC8: Be prepared – because it only gets worse. They will never stop. It is mean, malicoious and hurtful. I am in the same situation – only I did marry him. I love him. But my in laws have slander me all over the place. The make up lies and their entire family thinks I am this horrible person. And like you, I am successful, intelligent, christian, and a wonderful caring person – It is a huge injustice they way they treat me. So you need to make a decision. you are going to have to accept it and stay the hell away from them – or move on. They will never like you and the backstabbing, malicious attacks will continue…..Make a choice. Do some soul searching and ask yourself if that is how you want to live the rest of your life.
jps1015: Thank you. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to know I am not alone (not that I would wish this situation on ANYONE). It is hard to maintain a positive self image (even though you know what is being said about you is untrue) when your constantly the victim of their slander. I am SO SORRY to hear about what you are going through–as you said, it is a huge injustice, they should realize how lucky they are to have a woman with all of those attributes join their family. I feel your pain on the lies spreading, too btw…..with modern technology and the internet, this misinformation and awful depictions of me are being spead like a cancer to relatives across the U.S. They don’t have anything to go on so now all these people will see me for the first time at the wedding…..that horrible person walking down the aisle to ruin his life. I am terrified and like a shadow boxer, wondering what they will try/say next. Thank you again for your advice and for sharing your situation. It helps immensly!
If you decide to go through with it, I agree, it will get worse. Mine are awful and still at it 9 years and counting….my only consolation their old age, I am ashamed to say.
Have you considered eloping, before the wedding? Kind of a special ceremony for just you two, before the big ceremony. Nobody even has to know, but it might take the edge off a bit from any nerves on the day of the ceremony and all the family you haven’t even met. If they try to mess up your day, you’ll already be a step ahead. And if anyone wants to object….hehehehe I am giddy just thinking about it.
My inlaws did everything to stress us out and make me almost walk away…and had I not been in another country with days to go, and without the conveniences we take for granted in the States, we both fantasized about eloping and just going through the motions on the wedding day. It is still special, but so frantic and stressful we missed having the chance to be together.
Anyway, good luck! It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but the key is to have his support and always try to be fair (my anger gets the best of me at times and I explode at a hiccup because of all the cumulative poop they’ve flung at me). If the two of you are strong together, they can’t touch you. After the wedding, have lots of extended family over for dinners, picnics, whatever, and let your inlaws make idiots of themselves as they continue talking badly about you. Good Luck with everything!
Be gracious at the wedding and nice to all. Living well is the best revenge. These people will only get worse after you are married. Have as little to do with them as possible after you are married. As long as your husband-to- be stands up for you, then you don’t really need to worry about them.
Respond to any rumors others hear with a sigh, “Oh, I wish they’d find something more constructive to do with their time than make up nutty stories about me.” And then change the subject.
People can learn to base their opinions of you on what they actually SEE your doing. But those hateful nutters will hate you forever, and you’ve got to be prepared for that. My inlaws hate me, and I am fine with that, because they are evil, manipulative people. And why would I want anybody such as that to like me? Think about it. Chin up!
Your fiance is sticking up for you now….he knows his mom and sis are whacky and that he needs to do this.
If anyone that comes to the wedding expecting the stories to be true and finds out they aren’t….FMIL and FSIL are shown to be liars and rumormongers.
Start the cutting off process and live your life as you deem you should be.
Louise, Disrespectful Daughter In Law and Teri,
Thank you for your comments. It is so helpful and they bring a smile to my face (which is A LOT right now!!!!!!) Yes, we have thought of eloping, but I have a very supportive family that has been there for us and worked really hard to give us this wedding. If we knew they would understand we probably already would have
. I am having a lot of doubt right now, which I hope goes away. I am going to try very hard and not stress about what is said about me (good God I thought this behavior ends when we gratuate high school! Why don’t some people EVER grow up???). I guess it causes so much hurt and stress and fear because I can’t get my head around that kind of behavior and could never imaging treating another person like this. I want my doubts to go away, but he loves them and so of course they won’t be out of our lives. How do you cope with the continued behavior? You have to learn to frogive from within right? Because they will never apologize. I think of some of the things they have done and said and my chest feels like it’s caving in and my stomach flip flops.
Believe me i have(and no doubt allt of you guys here too) said the same thing to myself,why are people like this? why do people act like this and you would think people would grow up….nope! I have learned the hard way that this is not the case and it never will be. I would honestly get married in a private ceremony,specially if you think they will say something or do something to ruin your day,believe me i know how that feels.
At our wedding we just finished feeding each other the cake and my MIL was gesturing to me to smooch the cake in his face(it´s a tradition for many here but not for me and i did not want to do that) and we barely finished feeding each other the cake when i heard her say out loud: I want to feed him! and she ran over grab some cake and pretty much painted his face with cake,needless to say i have hated that moment for a long time and i have even told her that i had a hard time getting over it and yet i got no reply.
Ignore them! Plan things without inviting them or letting them know,if you get the whole but this is his parents speech in your face then ignore that too! they have lost all their right to have a say in it by treating you like this. This will not be easy and i hope you can learn to live with how things are and will be
There really is no need to “forgive” these people. Think of them as just pure evil and stay away from them as much as possible. The more you can show them that you just don’t care about what they say, and that it has no impact on you, the better.
If they see what they are doing in ineffective, their assults should decrease. Yes, my MIL is Satan incarnate, but she KNOWS I feel she has NO power over me. That means a lot in the sanity department. The minute you stop caring about what they say or are doing, the better you are going to feel about yourself and the situation you are in. Been there, done that.
Good luck!
You guys are right….I know I should ignore them, but they are like the anti–us getting married mafia. I also learned yesterday that the rumor spreading girl is communicating with his dad and is sending him letters (Lord knows what they say!). His dad used to be a neutral party and now thinks this crazy rumor spreading girl is a wonderful person who walks on water. Manipulative people scare me and I don’t understand their behavior so I am constantly worried about what the family and this girl are transpiring. I talked to my fiance about downsizing the wedding so that if it doesn’t happen my parents (who have been wonderful an supportive) don’t end up getting screwed over finacially if they do ruin it. I am literally terrified they will be successful in driving a wedge between us. He said I need to have more faith in us and in him. I am moving forward planning a wedding I have a sinking feeling wont happen.
By the way, any pointers on how to stop caring? Because I know that would do wonders for my sanity….which I feel I am totally losing right now!!!
If your husband is supporting you and telling you not to worry and have faith you need to listen to him. But I would also talk to him and make sure he tells his mother and sis that if they can’t stop their childish games and respect the desisions he’s making then they do NOT need to show up to your wedding. Your wedding is for you and him a time to be happy and a time to cherish not a time for your MIL and SIL to try to screw up! Just look at them and tell him I will be in his life forever and there’s not a thing you can do to stop me.
I actually had to do that to my parents when my husband and I got together because they didn’t like that he was only 17 and they were scared he wouldn’t be able to provide for me and my 2 yr old son. Then when they saw that he only meant to do good they changed. They now love him to pieces and sometimes I think they love him more than they love me which is awesome! I’d take that any day.
If your fiance defends you against these trolls, then have faith. If not, you might want to push out the wedding date. I wonder, is it even a good idea to have a wedding where the people present will wreck havoc and make you miserable? Perhaps it would be better to elope and be done with it. Then they could just whine afterward.
Regarding how to stop caring. It is a “place” in your mind. You just have to get there. After 10 years of badgering and not-so-subtile “hints” on how I should be living my life and raising my children (from the lovely MIL and FIL), I suddenly arrived at the “place” where I no longer can or do care about what they say, think or tell others. I look at them as evil, manipulative, hateful, bitter, spiteful, lying people.
WHY would someone spend any amount of effort or time trying to please people like that — or even bother to care about the lies they told? I found these people in my life ONLY had power over me when I CARED. When I no longer cared a fig about them — I was FREE! Now I do as I please. I am such the wicked daugher-in-law (in THEIR minds only). However, their SON adores me. Really, that is all that matters.
Good luck!
i am so glad to hear that i am not the only one… i am in the same situation and i have decided that i have to let it go… the woman tells everyine in her family that i am a gold digger and i am going to ruin her son and my family is this and that…. my hair is falling out and ive lost weight from the stress.. my tummy just turns everytime i hear their name and they call for my fiance… i know they wont go away but i am going to have to let it go and i think u should too.. just know that u are not alone and god will take care of it … things will come to light and prayer is a huge refuge!! i am not religious but this negativity has made me need suoernatural help or i will lose it!!!!!!! stay strong..they WANT TO BREAK U GUYS! DONT LET THEM HAVE THAT SATISFACTION.. I know its hard….read my post lol.”money obsessed future mil”.. treat him good and he will never let them talk about you!!he will only get pissed off at them
one more thing nyc girl!!! these people will never reason with you or like you. accept that you have him and the fact that he wants to make a life with you is enough revenge to them.. they dont know what to do and are acting desperate.. like i said .. i am 23 losing weight and my hair from these snobby malicious people… you have to stop caring by knowing that you guys know the truth.. and this will subside.. stop askin him if they called or emailed etc….. if he has to go over there.. hang with friends…just stop taking in those negative things and pray for strength. nothing is too great for GOD… it will be ok girl.. things are finally looking up for me and i feel the knot in my stomach going away today.. i prayed so hard ..even for my inlaws to become better people….
make sure you live hours away by car or plane. It’s the only way, trust me on that.
Write their name on a piece of paper and place it in your shoe.”Walk” them out of your life.This works for ex-boyfriends,bosses,any any other toxic people.An old lady from India told my Aunt about this when my aunt was having trouble with her boss,and it really works.