What do you do about a MIL that has one child and three beautiful grandchildren, but acts as though they don’t exist? She never calls to inquire about us as a family, and on the rare occasion when she does call she talks mainly about herself and what she’s done in the last six months. She’ll even ask about our cats and dog before she inquires about our children. It drives me insane. How can someone be so selfish. She has an awesome son, who is very successful and three beautiful grand kids. She is very childish in her ways…..She guilts my husband when he does talk to her. He can’t tell her no. The latest is, she’s decided that she wants to visit us, but wants to bring a friend along. We haven’t seen her in almost a year. My life is crazy with ton going on. I work full-time and have some much going on. On the rare occasion she visits I feel that I’m overwhelmed with extra duties, but to add her friend to the mix is very selfish on her part. Is she here to visit us, or use us as a hotel and to show off how successful her son is. Please help am I crazy for feeling this way. I don’t get it….should I bite my tongue or tell her to get a hotel……
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5 Responses to “Hands off MIL”
If I had your MIL I’d REJOICE! Trust me, a “hands on” meddling MIL is MUCH worse. Be thankful your selfish hag is bringing the “friend.” The “friend” can entertain her. Make yourself unavailable. “So sorry, I must WORK today, enjoy yourselves, you two. Your house can be the “hotel” for them to sleep, and they can fend for themselves for meals and entertainment. Sounds perfect to me!
You should be doing the happy dance. MIL coming with a friend, reccomend/suggest a nearby hotel/motel/B&B for them to stay at!!. When you want to see her you can let her know what time is good for you. Otherwise, she and her friend, can go enjoy the town, see the sites, etc. And meet you on your terms…when you’re ready,as you too have a busy life, and she’s on vacation.
With the interfering MILFH of mine, this to me also sounds delightful. However, this situation too can be very trying.
It is hard to cope with loss when someone is present. It is sometimes as difficult to endure the loss of an emotionally absent parent as it is the loss experienced through death. When someone is dead we mourn and move on so to speak. Society and traditions also help us cope with rites of passage as well as support networks. But when we “lose” someone who is present physically there are no rites and no support networks. We continue to have expectations and are continuously let down, even when these expectations are lowered. It is similar to reliving the loss over and over again when they repeatedly essentially reject you and yours. I’m not sure I’m explaining this clearly and am in no way pretending to be a shrink. I guess, I am just trying to illustrate that your “loss” is very real but nonetheless is a loss and you might be better off treating it as such. “I am not one of those lucky gals who will have a nice MIL, grandmother for my kids, etc” or “I will not get that second chance at a great relationship with a Mom”, “I cannot save my husband from his emotionally absent mother” or whatever that inner feeling of yours is. Know that you are a great mother, wife, and person, and unfortunately do not have a MIL who will be a grandmother to your children or an adult mother to your husband. See if you can create your own rite of passage, and find a way to move on, with acceptance, and let go. We can’t change others, but we can change ourselves. Admittedly, it appears to me that it would be easier to move on and cope with a nasty person absent than with them present. Not to minimize your problem at all – just to present a “brighter” side, potentially.
Good luck.
Since your MIL is mostly a “disconnected from family ties” MIL, I would let her come with the friend. This is a “duty” call for you to be performing for your Hubby, (remember that line “for better or worse”, this is the worst). He had no choice in his parent. It is a visit, not a move in; so remember, “This too shall pass”.
Follow Disrespectful’s advice on the visit, she gives it so well I can’t improve on it.
It´s sad to hear that she shows no interest in her grandchildren
on the other hand i would much rather prefer the self centered “all about me” MIL rather then a MIL that HAS to know everything your doing(and i mean down to what you cook and who you talk to!)
It´s her choice not to get to know her grandchildren and if anything i feel sorry for a person like that.