Mother-in-Law HELL

It’s been almost 13 years of pure hell with my mother in law (B). I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take the belittling and snide comments from her any more. I know a lot of it is petty crap like….what do YOU need a kitchen aid for? Or her asking my kids or friends if my house is clean. She had the nerve to tell my son that in their house they cook food not go to drive thru. The first Christmas we were together, we did a name drawing with his family and she told the person that got me that I don’t know how to cook and to get me a cookbook so that I can learn to not go though drive thru. She tells the family that I’m from the city so I’m not interested in going camping or getting dirty. Last Christmas I asked B if I could help her with the cookies she was making. She told me she guessed I could roll the cookies in powdered sugar as that shouldn’t be too hard for me. My husband (D)’s aunt actually came up to me when we went camping one time to tell me that I should just drive back into town and stay at the house where there is running water and other comforts of the house. I had been there 2 days with a 8 month old and hadn’t complained once but B said I was. This is just a smidgen of what she has said/done.
D has been deployed since the first week of Jan 08. He won’t be home until the end of Jan 09. The only time B is somewhat nice to me is in front of D. B belittles me and talks bad about me to anyone and everyone. About a year after I had our first child, B and I had it out. I was fed up with the lies and drama she was causing. Things calmed down for a couple months but then she went right back to the same old crap. I have tried to ignore her, the best I can, and D tries to stay neutral. I never quite understood why or what the tight connection was with her until just recently. B is not his birth mother (BM). BM and I get a long great. She has never tried to make me feel inadequate or had anything negative to say to me. However there has always been a rift between BM & D. But that’s a whole other therapy issue. Nothing bad, they are just not close. I personally think it has a lot to do with B.
The straw that broke the camel’s back is this last deployment. I frequently send email updates to the family on how D is and what’s going on with me and the kids. Well I got tired of doing that and getting no response back from his dads side of the family other than that they send D and email and why won’t he get back to them. These people are so incredibly selfish. He is busting his butt working over there and they expect him to call and write to them all the time. Yes he writes to me, yes he calls me. Not as often as I would like but more than he does them. Why because I’m his wife and mother of his kids. We are his priority and when he comes home it will be to us not them and B can’t stand that. I can count on one hand how many times she has personally called me/emailed me this entire deployment. I heard nothing from her from Jan until April when our son (J) called to wish his grandpa a happy bday. J is 11 and sometimes gives information that is nobody’s business. He told them that I quit school and that we were moving. What he didn’t tell them is we got base housing and the drive was going to be too much for me with gas being over $4/gallon. So B calls me to insult and belittle me. Something about not being able to handle things while D is deployed, I never follow through with anything and my doctor is a quack. Now I say “something” because I have gotten really good at tuning her out and I only caught bits and pieces of what she was saying. When it came time for us to move onto the base I called B and got her voice mail. I asked her if I drove the 8hrs to her and brought her the kids would she keep them for 2 weeks so I could get our house packed, moved, unpacked and clean the old house. She never called me back. End of July I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and found out I will be having surgery for another issue. My Sister in law BR has a big mouth and told B. So B calls me and tells me that I have to tell D right away because he has the right to know and if I didn’t tell him she would. Um duh I was just going to wait until all my test results were back and he was home on R &R. She also informed me in the same phone conversation that all my friends are users and I need to take care of myself and the kids and cast my friends to the side. And again my doctor is a quack because the kids and I don’t need to be on the medications we are on.
August, I sent out a mass email letting everybody know that D was coming home for R&R in Sept. I put in there that after everything he has been though and flying across the world that D has requested that if anyone wants to see him they come here. He does not want to spend his 2 weeks traveling. He wants to sleep in his own bed but that we would love the company. We have things that we would like to do and I will need to plan these 2 weeks in advance so please let me know if you are coming and for what part of his R&R you will be here. So I get an IM from B telling me that her, SIL and her kids will be down to see D and that she wants to go to 2 theme parks while they are here. I told her we could do one but not both as it was too much on D and we had already planned to go to the one anyways and we had other things planned. I didn’t believe they were coming as she has his family has only come to our house once in the almost 13 years we have been together. I didn’t hear from her again. When D got home I told him to call B before we even left the airport. He did and she fed him some ration of bs why they weren’t coming. Whatever….he stood firm on we are not going up there, we have plans and he wants to sleep in his own bed, etc. To my knowledge that was the last time he talked to her while he was home. We went about our lives and enjoyed our precious time together. I promised him while he was home that I would take the kids up to see his family for Thanksgiving. Well then I get a IM from other SIL telling me that B is hurt that we didn’t go up there, it’s only a 8 hr drive and I should have made sure he called to say goodbye before he left. Um what? Excuse me? He is a grown man and has been in the military for almost 15 years. B knew what day he was leaving if she didn’t get to talk to him before he left that is her fault not mine the phone works both ways. Then in September I became an independent consultant and sent out an email asking people to book shows, catalog shows if they were far away. Nobody from his side of the family except BM responded. Oct 2 I got an IM from B because BR ran her mouth again about J being on a new medicine. So B thought she needed to put her useless 2 cents in on the situation. Again my doctor is a quack. To my surprise she asked how my business was going. I told her not so good. She asked why. I lied to her and told her because someone told me to cast side my user friends. She responded “good girl” and said that she would hold a catalog show. We confirmed their new address so I knew I had it right and I sent her a package along with current pictures of the kids. I asked her in the IM as well as in a note in the packet to call me when she got it so I knew it got there and could go over the details with her. I have not heard from her since. I have left her voice mail messages, emails, IM’s even messages on her web site that she deletes and does not respond back to. J’s bday was middle of Oct but nobody from D’s family bothered to call or send a card. We have the same cell phone company so long distance charges are not an issue. That is why we have the same company. I was happy with our last provider but D wanted to make it easier on his family to call us so we switched. So not having money is not an excuse not to call. J is very upset about this and asked me why does B favor the other grandkids and not them. Does she not know that just because I turned 11 doesn’t mean that I’m too old for a phone call, card or present? He also asks why does B have pictures of Aunt M’s kids on her web page but not ones of them? He then stated that he knows how she treats me and it’s not right either and why do I put up with it. Ok so this broke my heart. I can deal with the crap individually as it happens and try to ignore it. What I can’t deal with is my kids being treated that way. We have always bought extra gifts for the kids and said they were from D’s family if they couldn’t afford it, just so the kids’ feelings wouldn’t get hurt. Christmas when we go up there and if we happen to be up there for a bday is the only times the kids are acknowledged. They never send anything. So I confront D about this because now I’m at a breaking point. She is hurting my babies. D gets busy with work and doesn’t call her for over 2 weeks. In the meantime our daughter (A) has her 7th bday. And you guessed it nothing! I tell D and he finally calls only to find out that his uncle died. So he obviously can’t say anything to her then. Does B bother to tell me so I can bring the kids up or at the very least send a card to Uncles kids? NOPE NOTHING NADA! If it wasn’t for D or her posts on the cousin’s web page I would not know. So D finally calls her back last week only to find out that she lied to him and tells him that I’m just mad at her because she couldn’t get any orders. And that she talked to me a couple days before J’s bday and told me to wish J a happy bday for her. WHAT???? Seriously this woman needs help! The last time I talked to her was Oct 2. She did not mention his bday at all. And if she had I would have told her to call him on his cell or to call an leave a message on the home machine. Just as I told anyone that told me that. I’m not J’s secretary and it will mean more coming from that person than coming from me. So needless to say this caused a fight between me and D because J has expressed that he does not want to go up there for Thanksgiving and I most certainly do not blame him and I won’t be making that drive. I told D that I have never been the wife to make him choose but this is it. He either stands up for me and the kids or he goes alone to visit. He told me that he didn’t realize it had gotten this bad. I told him it has always been this bad and he just chose not to deal with it and that is why it has continued. That’s when he told me that he tries to stay neutral for his dad. He doesn’t want his dad to suffer. I lost it. He doesn’t want his dad to suffer but its ok for his wife and kids? He said he never thought of it that way. He will be telling B next time he talks to her that since she can’t treat the kids and I the way we deserve to be treated that we will not be coming up to visit. There is so much more but I’ve already written a novel.