Hi there,
I feel a little weird writing this but feel stuck!
I’m not married to my partner so his mother is not quite my mother-in-law (YET).
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we both want to take the leap into marriage. However his mother doesn’t want to meet me. She seems very dependent on her son and already has issues with her own daughter.
I can see that the family has communication problems and at first I thought I could change this, figuring once they met me they would fall in love and all problems would be over.
I’m not quite sure what to do. My boyfriend has been asking his parents to meet me but they still wont. I cant help but feel that if we are having problems now, what would happen if we did get married?
What should I do?
Any advice on what to do next would be gratefully received.
S
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Advice
8 Responses to “Mother Doesnt want to meet me. Need Advice”
I had a friend in a similar situation. His parents didn’t want to meet her: She is 9 years older than he, divorced, and of a different religion. However, once they got married (they ended up eloping, unable to deal with his parents’ wanting to take over the wedding plans), they were fine with her, and once the grandchildren came along, they were even better. My advice is that you and your bf go along your own way, ignoring his parents. If you do marry, they’ll almost certainly come around. If not, it’s their loss. As long as your bf is on your side, you’ll be fine. Good luck!
Alright, first of all, is there any reason, that you are aware of, that his parents wouldn’t want to meet you? If your not aware of anything, why not try asking your boyfriend. He might know something or atleast have an idea. If he doesn’t know either, trying getting him to ask his parents why they refuse to meet you.
personally, if they know about the leap to marriage, they might not want to meet you to hold off the big step. They could be worried about what would happen if you two were to get married. I’m not sure if this is it, but that’s just what I think.
Good luck!
Hi Suze and Sami S,
Thank you both for your replies. I guess the reason I am confused by this whole situation is that my bf is 29 (nearly 30) I am 25 so a little younger. We come from the same religious background and seem to share the same values. I am very family oriented so am not going to steal her son away and never let him back!! To me it seems that if she just gave me a chance and then made her decision I wouldn’t mind. It’s the fact that she hasn’t even met me and already I don’t seem good enough. She’s often made comments about me to him, saying that I should know better, I think this was in reference to us going out. She doesn’t seem to see anything wrong in her son but instead any criticism she has, she will put on me.
She doesn’t know that we want to get married as we both said the first step is meeting. She does know that I have quiet strict religious beliefs which she also shares, all of which are things that I would think should make her love me!!!
I don’t really understand what to do.
HELP!!!
if she doesn’t want to meet you then that’s her problem. at least she’s honest about it. don’t push the matter (sounds like she has her own issues to sort out) and just get on with your own lives (including marriage). if she chooses not to be involved that’s her choice. if it’s due to stuff she needs to sort out for herself then she’ll understand. if she’s using this as a means of control, then too bad for her.
Hi Shazza, I just read your note and feel for you. It is pretty awful that your future in-laws do not want to meet you. It is very difficult for me to understand that kind of hard-heartedness. But, that being said, my mother taught me, to the best of my ability, to do the RIGHT thing, even if someone did the wrong thing. She said, “There’s no excuse for bad behavior,” (namely MINE) and “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” That has proved to some of the very best advice I’ve ever gotten.
Now that the holidays are upon us, you might want to use the season as an opportunity to let them know how much YOU would like to meet THEM! You and your boyfriend could send them a thoughtful gift and card, with a personal note written by YOU, or perhaps you could host a little open house – sending invitations to family and friends and letting your prospective in-laws know YOU’D like to meet THEM.
After that, I’d think of ways to soften their attitude toward you, by occasionally inviting them to some function, writing a note, sending a birthday greeting, etc. If that does not work, perhaps your boyfriend needs to step up to the plate and tell his parents how much they are hurting HIM by behaving in this way.
Good luck, dear.
P.S. Is there any chance they are having a problem with the two of you living together? (Not that that is an excuse for their impolite behavior, but if that is the case, maybe marriage will “fix” it.)
hey, i’m 23 years old and 6 months pregnant. My boyfriend’s mother wants to met me, but i’m so scared and dont know what to do. I’m not talkactive! help!!!!
Hey Shazza,
You’re situation is unbelievably similar to mine. my bf is also 29 this year, im 21, and we have been together for 2+ yrs. we are both from the same religion, but because we are from different races (we’re both indian but he is south and im north), plus he’s rich and im middle class, his parents hate my guts and have fought with my family and me without ever meeting me in their lives. they have even managed to destroy our wedding two days before it was meant to happen. but we are still together. however i have decided that his parents are not important or relevant to our relationship anymore and if u both really love each other and have similar goals and plans in life.. then just go ahead and live ur life… u only live once so dont let anyone get in ur way. end of the day i’d rather have a loving husband with crappy in laws than loving in-laws and a crappy husband. some people are lucky to have both but not everyone has the same givings in life. but if its something u cannot take, and think it would get in the way of ur marriage or relationship, don’t rush into it. For me and my bf, once i have finished my degree next yr, we’re getting married whether his parents like it or not, attend or dont attend! Good luck to u shazza
Why does his Mom’s approval mean so much to you anyway???
The only thing that matters is your boyfriend’s approval,not his parents.
Heck,I would have been really happy if my boyfriend would NOT have made me meet his folks 1 month into our relationship as his Mom has been causing problems ever since I met her.
They are acting like this-not wanting to meet you to make you feel inadequate.Have your boyfriend ask them why they do not want to meet you.I would tell my boyfriend to tell his parents that you said you would like to meet them and for them not to be ashamed of who they are…it’s ok and that you are a very accepting person.(make his parents feel that they don’t want to meet you becasue THEY are inadequate)If he won’t pass this on to them,then write them a card and send it to them in the mail.
Or,how about you throw yourself an engagement party and invite them.See if free food and drinks will be enough bait for them to come and meet you.DON’T tell them it is an Engagement Party…just announce that in front of them and everyone after they arive.
I would recommend that you elope and don’t ask to meet them again.When they hear you are married now,they will come around and meet you out of curiosity.