Mother-in-Law HELL

shiksagoddess said on 09/07/08 @ 9:50pm

Counseling, now, is the only thing that will save your marriage.

Ask your husband which would he rather pay for: counseling sessions or a divorce?

At the very least he needs to learn to NOT throw you under the bus.

- the shiksagoddess

leefan said on 10/07/08 @ 12:12am

I hate it when husbands take sides, theyre not supposed to take sides! At least make your MIL and you talk about it instead of taking sides.

Connie said on 10/07/08 @ 3:11am

First of all your husband needs to grow a set of balls. YOU are his wife and the mother of his child. As in the Bible, he is to leave his family and cling to his wife. You should come first. My husband used to do the same thing..which is nothing when my mil would call me a slut, whore and various other things right in front of our children. He would sit back when she treated my children like dirt and her other grandchildren like pumpkin pie. I am here to tell you that you will feel bitter and resentful and your marraige will not last. The best thing that ever happened was when my husband almost lost me and the children and he stood up to his mother. He had to realize the hard way what was the most important things to him…us.DO NOT tolerate this behavior and put your foot down. Also, give him support because it is his mother and he will have to stand up to her. She sounds like a control freak and this will be hard for him. Your marraige will not survive if he doesn’t take a stand and set boundries NOW

marie said on 10/07/08 @ 5:20pm

This is totally my soon to be mother in law. However my finace is finally starting to realize. She talks about me behind my back, even to the hair dresser we share..

missisr1 said on 12/07/08 @ 1:41am

First of all, your husband needs to be a man. When you marry, your wife is #1, above everyone. I know exactly what you mean about your ML being fake in front of people, acting like she loves you in front of people to make herself look so good, but call her on it when she is doing it. Say oh Mom or whatever you call her, I wish you were this nice when nobody was around maybe we would get along. put her on front street

n8sgirl said on 12/07/08 @ 6:05am

Ugh. I get those digs when my husband is not in the room. I will tell you that after I left my MIL’s house at Christmas in tears, I think my husband finally gets how she makes me feel. Everyone just shrugs it off saying that is just the way she is. I am sorry, but that is not good enough.
Here is what I try to remember: I have my own mother. I am treated with love and respect from her. I used to want to please my MIL but have decided not to even try anymore. I will try to be respectful and pleasant. I just don’t want to be hurt anymore….

justme said on 12/07/08 @ 6:33pm

wow, people like these truly exist?

Roni said on 12/07/08 @ 9:43pm

My hubby was the same way the first 5 years .. and i swear MIL is out to break us up .. I left once and said what do you want to live with your mommy or live with your wife and kids and i will not allow him to have the kids at her house .. Thats not necessarily the thing for you to do .. but I think counseling is .. When I came home I said I want counseling a 3rd party if im wrong i will apolgize and move on and try to fix it but if the DH was wrong he had to stand up to mommy dearest and defend our marriage .. We didnt end up going cus of some financial issues but we do talk about it .. I know when his mom and i fight or when she says things that are un necessary i yell at him and thats not right .. he takes her side cus imyellin .. IF i calmly talk to him in a not so jr high shes a bitch way he sees my point and now after a long battle he stands up for me and shows his love for me in front of his fam .. and when they make divorce comments to us he says oh no were too much in love .. She hasnt stopped but he finally sees it .. and its slowing down .. I dont get it they ask us to marry us but they cant let their mommy know their in love .. Their mommy should be happy hes happy .. but instead they have odd issues .. I guess its all training to be a GREAT mother in law later right?!?!? ITs sad that the first years of marriage have to be this way if they would stop the crap at the beginning you could enjoy just being with eachother instead of someone sleepin on the couch .. I know marriage is hard work but it shouldnt be this hard and it shouldnt involve anyone else not like this … GOOD LUCK and I would calmly say to him I THINK WE NEED HELP .. maybe its my fault and i want you to support me .. 10 min into counselin the counselor will tell him hey pal your wife is great your screwin up .. You may need to trick him a lil to get him there .. just get him there whatever it takes .. cus a stranger points out the wrong they listen ..lol

Erica said on 16/07/08 @ 3:18am

I hear all of you and I am in the middle of the same MIL experiences. As I see it, mothers need to let go of their sons in order to have a relationship with their DILs and their grandchildren. Unfortunately, too many MILs are not able to let go for selfish reasons and perhaps reasons of low-self esteem. The problem is that WE CAN”T CHANGE THEM! I have spent so many hours wondering how I could tell her she needs to let go or how I could make her realize, but the fact is that she won’t ever get it. What I can do is take care of myself and learn to speak up for my own families needs and not get walked on any more. Like mentioned above, our husbands have first responsibilities to their wives and to their families….not to their mothers anymore. Staying tough and true to what we believe (and doing it in a nice way) is the only way to keep ourselves from going crazy because if we do go crazy MIL wins.

DW said on 11/09/08 @ 9:38am

Hi all,

I am so sorry to hear about all these MIL stresses. I had the *same* thing until I couldn’t take it anymore and ended my engagement. I felt so trapped and sad – I was dealing with my manipulative future-MIL stresses, and thought for a while that my fiance was on my side. But in the end, he was telling his mother she was right and telling me whatever it took to calm me down too.. and as a result, he said different things to each of us, and I couldn’t take the inconsistency or lack of support. It was the most painful thing I’d ever experienced. I really think you have to trust your gut feelings on this one… Thoughts?

jizzba said on 25/10/08 @ 6:10pm

Here’s the thing…. These woman (The MILS) are emotionally empty on the inside, and attempt to cause conflict and chaos in their family’s lives because they feel so helpless and empty in their own lives. I can speak from experience, as my MIL is extremely manipulative, controlling, meddeling, and attmepts to cause all sorts of drama within her sons marriages to feel needed by them and her grandchildren. It is really sick. I have realized through this experience that someone is only as powerful as you allow them to be. My husband recognizes a lot of her behavior, and then there are some things that pass over his head. I have realized that we must claim our own boundaries as wives, and mothers, and establish them firmly, and continue and continue to say them firmly.
For example, my husband told my MIL countless times that we would not be having any company at our home ( we live over 1 hrs away from family) after our daughter was born for a little while so that we can bond with our daughter and establish ourselves as parents. This boundary was, of course,met with much resistent and guilt trips, but we continued to express it anyway, and frequently. Then came the day of first child’s birth, which resulted in over 16 hrs of labor, being up for over 2 days straight, followed by an emergency C section. Wouldn’t you know that on that day, my husband called my MIL to share the news. She started in again with her OWN agenda, not at all concerned with her son’s well being, nor mine. He again shared our wishes to remain alone as a couple, with our newborn, and she responded with a few guilt trips about how she is family, not a visitor, and how important grandparents are in this world. I was appalled by her behavior, and view of herself as the only one in this universe. After a few wks of ignoring her, she emailed me with a note stating how she hopes that I am feeling well and whar a gift our daughter is to her. When I review all of my experiences with this woman, I notice that there IS ALWAYS an angle. She is constantly operating from a place of, “how can I get what I want?” I hate that I have to be so guarded around her, because that is not who I am in this world. However, accepting that this is who she is in life, and acknowledging that I cannot change her, only my reaction to her has helped greatly. These woman are desperate, we have the power. I think we get lost and fearful in the dance with these people and forget this important thing. After all, we are the mothers of our children, and the wives of our husbands. People who are happy and feeling content with life, do not act this way. The next time your MIL participates in HER ACT, just remember that, and rise to the occassion, being the powerful, wonderful, and inspiring woman that YOU ARE:)

Mary said on 14/01/09 @ 5:36pm

I have the same situation… EXCEPT I work with my FMIL!!!!! She is my supervisor, and she is actually the one who tried to get her son and I together. At first I was skeptical, but we started dating and have now been together for over a year. She never admits when shes wrong, tries to control him (going to his house doing laundry and dishes, when he doesn’t even want her to) but he is such a nice guy that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings! Everyone thinks she is a sweet lady, but she is very manipulative. He takes sides when I bring it up, but I try to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes I have to say something. Once in the middle of the bank, where I work, she cussed me out for asking a question about vacation… and never even apologized… I realize that sometimes people have bad days, but come on, at least say your sorry!

carmen said on 16/01/09 @ 7:52am

This is what you do. Don’t complain to him about it at all. Say nothing. If she walks up to you and punches you in the face, say nothing. Every time you say anything about their mom, they feel that they have to defend her. It’s like a knee jerk reaction. Who cares if she tells him to divorce you. He’s not going to do it because she tells him to. If you become passive, and she keeps attacking you, he will soon get annoyed listening to her. The next time the 3 of you are together and she does something nasty in front of him, just start fake crying and excuse yourself. When he asks what’s wrong, say you don’t want to talk about it. DO NOT talk about it. Don’t ever be alone with her again. Don’t talk to her on the phone. Never give her another chance to be mean to you without him as a witness. And when she attacks, just look helpless and dejected. His protective side will come out in your favor eventually. Don’t try and be nice to her or give her a second chance. She will never change. And don’t let her cause an argument between DH and yourself. Focus on the cute thing your baby did today, or the fun class the 3 (you, baby and DH) of you are going to take baby to, or the delicious dinner you are taking him out for. Men get really sick of compaining. And I know why you’re complaining, but it’s playing into her hand. She wants you 2 to fight, she wants you to goad him into defending her. You are really going to have to stoop to her manipulative level to win this one.

Celia said on 23/02/09 @ 10:25pm

Ahhhhhh I really enjoyed this advice Carmen!!. It actually made me realize how things really are to be handled with manipulative people. Thanks !

Lady said on 04/07/09 @ 8:16pm

Your MIL and my MIL should be handed academy awards for the way they toggle b/w personalities depending on who is in the room. What Carmen says above is a jagged little pill to swallow, but I’m afraid she’s right–complaining to your husband about his mother and/or trying to defend yourself against her actions is what she wants you to do. She is trying to create strife in your life–whether consciously or not–b/c she is unhappy and cannot bear the thought of her son being happy with another woman, even if that “other woman” is his wife! Be the good guy here. Be the bigger person, no matter how much you loathe her and see right through her facade. Men DO get really sick of hearing us complain, as Carmen insightfully says above. Men also will NEVER really see their mothers for the actual people they are. So stop complaining, be the loving, easy-going wife and he’ll soon take your side. You get more bees with honey, right? This is exactly what I’m doing with my husband now, after years of telling him the HORRIFIC things his mother would say to me when he’d step out of the room–insulting my religion, my white-collar career-choice, telling me I’m “too careful” with my infant, etc. She truly is a nutjob that woman. All my complaining about her only made him defend her b/c he has difficulty admitting his mom is two-faced and manipulative towards me, even though he will admit it when she behaves this way with him. Now, I pretend that she does not exist and, when I do have to endure her presence, I smile and nod and then walk away. The worst thing you can do to an attention-starved woman is ignore her, so she is FUMING that I won’t react to her anymore. My husband loves the peace, though, and actually thanks me for “being good” around his mother. Don’t let her win–if you let her get to you, that’s exactly what you’d be doing. Good luck.